Twitter Files for Bankruptcy After Banning Angry People

Twitter, once worth $40 billion, is now filing for bankruptcy, CEO Jack Dorsey has announced. The move comes just months after the company instituted a no tolerance policy on anger, banning any user who “exhibits or contributes to anger or vitriol.”

Down to just six users, Twitter has seen the steepest decline in engagement since Myspace suddenly became irrelevant when everyone went to high school. Dorsey is standing by his decision to implement the anti-anger policy. “Sometimes you just have to do what’s right, even if it destroys your business and your life. I’ll figure something out.”

Many have gone to the rising new social media site FuckYouMotherfucker to express their displeasure. Marcus Jeffries writes “Twitter used to be cool. I used to be able to log on every morning, find the first person who disagrees with me and call them a cunt munching bag of onion dust. I had fifty-thousand followers. People told me I was great. I’m nothing now. I have to start all over.”

Others, like Sarah Masterson, are taking advantage of the fresh start. “It’s great. I’m stoked to be on FuckYouMotherfucker before it gets huge. I’ve already got eight-thousand followers and as long as I keep telling people to choke on their own dicks and die, I think a lot of opportunities could open up for me. “

Netflix Assumes Entire Audience Has Collective IQ of Seven


Video Streaming Giant, Netflix, has announced their belief that everyone who watches any of their shows is mentally crippled. In a recent press release, CEO Reed Hastings writes “We’re trying to connect more with our consumer base, and part of that is understanding who these people are and what they like. They like our shows, obviously, but who are they? Well, they’re all sorts of things. They are people from different backgrounds, races, beliefs and religions. But there is one thing they all have in common. They’re dumb as fuck.”

With this new understanding, Netflix is now taking more responsibility for telling their audience how they should behave, since they’re too mentally decrepit to understand for themselves. In a recent tweet, the company addressed their viewership’s reaction to serial killer, Ted Bundy. (Real quote) “I’ve seen a lot of talk about Ted Bundy’s alleged hotness and would like to gently remind everyone that there are literally THOUSANDS of hot men on the service – almost all of whom are not convicted serial murderers.”

We asked Los Angeles, California, resident and Netflix enthusiast Deirdre James for her thoughts. “I think this is really great of Netflix to stick their necks out there and protect their viewers from a dead serial killer. When I was watching the new Netflix documentary on Ted Bundy, I have to admit I, too, thought he was very attractive. And since I’m about as smart as a bag of potato chips, my next thought was “I should date a serial killer, now.” If it weren’t for Netflix, I would probably be in the trunk of somebody’s car right now.”

Another woman, Lassandra Loomez, expressed her gratitude for the media conglomerate. “I’m so thankful for Netflix. I didn’t even know Ted Bundy was a serial killer. I was watching the show, but since my brain is made of packing peanuts and tootsie rolls, I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that he was hot and I wanted him inside of me. I was willing to do anything to make that happen with this man, and this man only. Thank God I logged onto Twitter and saw this tweet. Netflix saved my life.”

We asked Netflix Social Media Manager, Dobbie Dooberson, if he thought of himself as a hero. “You know, I really think so. I think it’s a huge responsibility to address this pervasive issue in society of finding terrible people physically attractive. In fact, to say anything that isn’t completely dismissive of someone like Ted Bundy is really just not okay. Imagine if somebody said Hitler had a nice mustache. Think of the damage that could do to our families, our children, our communities… It’s just damaging. It’s just so damaging.”