Starbucks Outbreak Kills Five

An outbreak of Starbucks construction has resulted in the death of five Los Angeles residents, the highest total in over a year. Reporter Megan Bleem was there to describe the horrific scene.

“I watched it all unfold right in front of me. I was just sitting on the outside patio of the Starbucks on the east side of Franklin Street enjoying my grande white mocha with no whip cream when a man walked out of the Starbucks across the street and wandered over to the open lot right beside it. He was just looking around, curious, you know. Then he took notice of the sign, which explained the lot was grounds for a new Starbucks. I think he knew danger was imminent at this point. He started looking around wearily, but it was too late. A crane immediately dropped two tons of foundation right on top of him. There was a family of four standing in the parking lot, shocked at what they had just seen. Stuck in their tracks from the sheer horror, they were unfortunately caught in the delivery crossfire, pelted to death by sugar packets and straws.”

This is the sixth incident of Starbucks related deaths in Los Angeles this year, and the deadliest in 15 months, since the infamous Macchiato Massacre, when thirty-five residents drowned after the cap came loose on a quintuple shot venti caramel macchiato.

Jussie Smollett Doubles Down, Says He Was Also Attacked by Group of Racist Pandas

Just days after new insights have suggested Jussie Smollett may have orchestrated his own hate crime, the ‘Empire’ actor is revealing yet another alleged attack.

“I just want to say that this is all really terrible. It’s terrible this first attack happened to me. It’s terrible people don’t believe me. They’re terrible. Everything is terrible. Everyone is terrible. Except for me. I’m not terrible. I’m a victim. I’m a victim of this attack, and well… I haven’t said this before, but I’m a victim of another attack as well. I’ve never told anyone about this and… gosh this is really hard for me, but… about a year ago… I was attacked by a group of racist pandas. I was walking in the park and three pandas swung down from an overhanging tree and put a bag over my head. They started screaming “Skin boy!” and “House Dweller!” They clawed at my chest and tightened the bag. I could hardly breathe. When they took it off, I noticed they were wearing “Bamboo or Die” hats, and as they waddled away, they turned back at me and yelled “This is Bamboo country!”

We went to Twitter to see what the American people thought of the recent developments in the Smollett case. Righty McWhity wasn’t holding back, writing a scathing takedown of Smollett and the American Left. “Hahahaha, this guy is so full of shit, just like the rest of the leftists in this country! You can’t believe a single thing any of these people say! Fake news! Next time anyone claims they’ve been the victim of a hate crime, I’m going to forcefully remind them of this particular scenario to demonstrate that the left is always stupid and nobody is a victim. Go to work, snowflakes!”

Lefty Mynoritay had a different take on the issue. “The alt-right’s reaction to this is so upsetting. Just because one person may have staged an attack doesn’t mean we shouldn’t #believevictims. I still stand with Jussie. As a member of the LGBTQ+#$^^&**@!?><;{}\LMNOP%’”|/( community, we stand together. We all make mistakes. We love you, Jussie. Love will conquer all. Fuck conservatives.”

Prominent Twitter user Creetical Theenk weighed in on the issue as well. “I think this whole situation is unfortunate. It’s unfortunate for people who are actually victims of hate crimes and discrimination. They’re hurt the most by this if the attack was indeed proven to be staged. The last thing you want is people to be overly dismissive of serious accusations. We also see the danger of blindly accepting something to be true in order to further a political agenda. I think we should try and reserve judgement until all of the facts come out.”

Mr. Theenk was murdered immediately after releasing this tweet. May he rest in peace.

Woman Forgets to Lock Door, is Murdered Immediately

Larissa Fisterson always made sure to lock the door. When her husband went to work every day, she would lock the door behind him as soon as he left. She double checked the door before going to sleep every night. She even locked the door when she went to get her mail.

On February 13, 2019, Larissa had a lapse in concentration. When her husband went out the front door and off to work as usual, Larissa was in the bathroom. She figured she could finish up, then go lock the front door. She was wrong.

As she opened the bathroom door, she noticed a man standing in front of her with a large axe. Before she could even let out a scream, the axe had pierced her skull, killing her immediately. There was blood everywhere. Her nightmare had become a reality.

Unlocked doors are the leading cause of death in the United States, outnumbering cancer, car crashes, drugs, the DMV, and double stuffed Oreos… combined. It’s estimated there are on average, six men outside your house at any given time, waiting to murder you with an axe. Leaving the door unlocked for just a second can be devastating.

The National Door Lockers Association of America (NDLAA) has recommended everyone invest in auto-locking door technology to alleviate the worries of getting murdered by a man with an axe. This technology will automatically lock the door every time you leave the house, and uses rectal scanning software to safely identify you and your loved ones for safe entry into your home. Remember, you can never be too careful.

Matt Kuchar Wins $6 Million Prize, Pays Caddy Seventeen Cents

Professional golfer Matt Kuchar is receiving backlash after some believe he stiffed a caddy. Kuchar showed up to the South Antarctican Classic without his regular caddy, John Wood, and agreed to have club caddy Spiral Freeze carry his bag for the week.

Kuchar says the two had an agreement before the tournament began.

“We agreed on a price for Spiral’s work before the start of the tournament. I told him I would pay him fifteen cents, and he said that would be great, with a smile on his face. That was the end of the discussion. That was it. When I ended up winning the tournament and taking home six million dollars, I was feeling generous, so I gave him seventeen cents, two more cents than we agreed upon. Again, he was delighted.”

A few days later, after family and friends of Mr. Freeze suggested he try and guilt trip Kuchar into giving him more money after the fact, Freeze reached out to Kuchar’s agent.

“I am a humble man, who takes care of his family, and works hard. I am reaching out to you because some people told me I could probably get some more money out of this. I don’t want to start anything or ruin your client’s reputation, but I would like some more money. I feel like he took advantage of me. I trusted him.”

Kuchar eventually offered Freeze an additional fifteen cents, but Freeze declined. He remained adamant that he should receive a dollar, which is what he placed the value of his work at after the fact because that’s what his friends and family told him he should try and get. Usually caddies receive 5% of a player’s winnings, which would amount to $300,000. Freeze, however, trusted his friends and family, who told him “I bet you could get a dollar out of him.”

Freeze, a former law school student who prides himself on his obviously impeccable negotiating skills, was shocked when Kuchar didn’t pay up the dollar.

“It’s just so unfair. I deserve that dollar. I’ve decided that’s what I deserve, and he owes it to me.”

Liam Neeson Reveals He Thought About Bestiality, Too

Just days after Liam Neeson admitted to having murderous thoughts about black people, the 66 year old actor (best known for his role in the “Taken” series) has revealed to 70 Minutes that he once thought about “fucking a horse like something vicious.”

In the extensive interview, Neeson was candid about his experience with oversharing. “You know, since being honest about my demons went over so well for me the first time, I figured the more I share the better. So here it is. One time, and this is hard for me to say, well… one time I thought about fucking a horse like something vicious. I saw it over the fence on my evening walk with its flowing mane, and I just thought to myself, ‘man… I’ve got to fuck that horse.’ I didn’t do it. Nothing ended up happening, but I walked around that farm for a couple of weeks with two Viagra in my hand. I was ready to fuck the first horse that jumped over that fence. I was ready to do it.”

We asked Twitter fanatic Gertrude Gunderson about her thoughts on the latest Neeson revelation. “He’s a rapist and a horse fucker. Absolutely abhorrent that anyone could ever think such a thing. Think about how a horse might feel reading this. How would you feel if you were a horse and you read this? I’ll never see one of his movies ever again. I hope Hollywood does the right thing and sets an example for people like him by never allowing him to work again.”

Fellow Twitter maniac Hun Hun Shoo had a different take. “You know, I think this is really great. Neeson is a hero in my book. He’s opened the door for people all across the world to reveal their dark tales of blasting a horse into oblivion. Shoot, I thought about it just last night. Come to think of it, I feel the urge coming on as we speak. You know of any farms around here?”