A 47 year old woman by the name of Jessica Jenkins has announced a lawsuit against the President of the United States after she mistook him for a bag of potato chips. The incident occurred on Monday, June 17th just outside of Times Square.
“It was all very confusing,” said Jenkins. “It was my first time in New York, and I had just finished exploring Times Square. I had been walking around all morning and I was pretty hungry, but I had to meet a friend in Brooklyn within the hour, so I didn’t have time for a full meal. I saw a big bag of potato chips just sitting there over on 6th avenue and figured that would hold me over. When I tried to open the bag, it started screaming at me and I was immediately descended on by security. They tackled me to the ground, and I sustained a concussion. I thought to myself ‘I’m never eating Lays again.’ When I was released from the hospital, an officer explained to me that what I thought was a bag of Classic Lays was actually the President of the United States. I called my lawyer immediately.”
NBA Commissioner Adam Silver has announced the NBA will be holding a memorial service on June 19th to mourn the loss of Kevin Durant’s season. The event will take place at the house of Warriors General Manager, Bob Myers, who sought psychiatric assistance after the devastating loss.
“I was devastated. I saw Kevin go down with the injury and immediately thought about blowing my brains out. I knew I needed help, so I called the hospital right after the game ended. They said they were receiving a lot of calls and wouldn’t be able to get me in for at least a month. That’s when I knew I wasn’t alone. I knew I had to do something to bring everyone together during this difficult time. I contacted Commissioner Silver and he agreed to set up an official event, to be sponsored by Dr. Scholl’s.”
The event is open to anyone affected by this shocking tragedy, as long as they’re not from Canada.
The popular video game retailer, GameStop, has announced they will no longer be under operation. The move comes as a bit of surprise after Jacob from Springfield pre-ordered not one, but two copies of the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 4. New Gamestop CEO George Sherman was kind enough to provide us with more information on the surprising move.
“Well, we saw an opportunity that was just too good for us to pass up. The company has been deteriorating in value over time, like all of them do. Except for the classics of course. We figured it was best for us to cash in on what remaining value was left in the company instead of letting it crumble into something worthless like NBA 2k9. When we heard about the new NASDAQ exchange program, we were really excited. We figured it would be an easy way for us to get $750 million or so in stock money. Unfortunately, the best they could do was seven dollars in store credit. But, we were already there, so we went ahead and took the deal.”
Alabama Governor Kay Ivey has proposed a sweeping series of new initiatives, including a proposal designed to revive the formerly prominent video rental company, Blockbuster. Ivey’s umbrella proposal, titled “The Take Me Back Initiative,” also includes a proposition to re-invest in the pet rock, a motion for more muskets, and something called “The Horse Initiative.”
Ivey was adamant about moving forward by continuing to move backwards after the state recently passed a ban on abortion. “People need to understand what we’re trying to accomplish here,” Ivey says. “The only way to move forward is to go back. See, time is a circle. You’ve seen a clock, right? It’s a circle. If the clock reads eleven, why spend all of that energy going past twelve, then one, then two, then three… when you can just go back to ten? The clock was going to get to ten eventually, but instead of waiting eleven hours, we only have to wait a few minutes… by adjusting the clock ourselves.”
Ivey’s unparalleled brilliance has been celebrated by many prominent Republican leaders, including president Donald Trump, who described her as “The Genghis Kahn of our time… and a woman, too!” Time will tell what the future holds for the beautiful and innovative state of Alabama, but one thing’s for certain; it looks awfully bright.
The family of Florida teenager Goff Goldbergstein is filing a lawsuit against new e-cig spinoff brand, Juu, after the boy claimed to be molested by a strawberry cartridge. The company, created in hopes of providing the Jewish community with a safer and more affordable smoking experience, declined to comment on the matter.
Goldbergstein claims he was trying to blow progressively larger circles after taking a fat rip from his new Juu when the cartridge popped out and began crawling up his leg. “It was a funny feeling at first,” said Goldbergstein. “It was just kind of a mild tickling sensation, and I didn’t really think anything of it. The cartridge started to move up my leg, and before I realized what was even happening, it was holding my private parts.”
This particular scenario is just one of many harrowing tales of e-cigarettes taking advantage of our nation’s youth. If you or a loved one has been abused by an e-cigarette, you can call 1-800 FUCK OFF to speak with an attorney.
The second major of the year didn’t go as planned for Tiger Woods. Coming off a win for the ages at the Masters, Woods failed to make the cut at this year’s PGA Championship. Many wondered if this was a simple let down performance after an enthralling Masters win or if the time off between tournaments came back to bite him, but Woods had a different explanation. The reason for his poor performance, Woods explains, is “those slimy Democrats running the House.”
The reasoning given by Woods comes with little curiosity, as James Harden blamed “the God damn Republicans” for the Rockets’ loss to the Golden State Warriors last week, Harvey Weinstein blamed “the fucking Germans” for his sexual bankruptcy, and the cast of Cheers laid waste to “those smug, idiot Libertarians” for screwing up “absolutely everything.”
If we’ve learned anything so far in 2019, it’s that everything is their fault. Who “they” are is up for us to decide, but one thing is for certain. It is and always will be their fault.
A 35-foot giant squid has been found in the happy meal of an unsuspecting McDonalds customer in Southern California. The five year-old boy, Jameson Joom, asked his mother if they could go to McDonalds after his first day of kindergarten, and she obliged. When the two pulled into the drive-thru, Jessica Joom ordered her son a happy meal and proceeded to the first window, then the second window. When she was given her son’s happy meal, Mrs. Joom noticed it was a little heavy, but didn’t think much of it, handing the bag gently to her son in the back seat. When he opened the bag to grab his fries, she heard a piercing shriek.
“It was terrifying. I’ve never heard him scream so loud. He just started yelling, “MOM MOM THERE’S A GIANT SQUID IN MY FRIES!” I told him not be silly because I needed to focus on the road, but when I was slapped in the face by one of the tentacles, I knew he wasn’t kidding anymore. The front windshield shattered and the squid slithered its way out. We were in shock. I still can’t believe it happened. I had heard of people finding hairs in their fries and fingers in their chicken nuggets, but I never expected this. I’m just glad we’re both okay.”
When asked if she was going to file a lawsuit against McDonalds for the incident, Mrs. Joom was dismissive, saying “sometimes things like this just happen.”
The horror continues for Chiefs fans. Just weeks after Patrick Mahomes was caught peddling heroin-infused footballs to prisoners, CBC Sports reports star tight end Travis Kelce has been brutally murdered by head coach Andy Reid.
The video, released this morning, shows Andy Reid walking into a local Chile’s for an evening dinner with his wife. As he turns the corner, confetti flies down from the ceiling and everyone yells “SURPRISE!” with Kelce at the forefront. Immediately, Reid splits into a fit of rage, grabbing Kelce by the throat and yelling “I HATE SURPRISES! DON’T YOU KNOW I HATE SURPRISES!?” Reid then proceeds to grab a steak knife from the nearest table and begins stabbing Kelce in the spleen. Team members looked on in horror at Reid screaming “I’LL FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU!” as he continued to stab Kelce, now in the throat and eyes. Reid finally let go of Kelce, as the once great tight end’s body hit the floor. Reid, still screaming, then reached under the table and pulled out a chainsaw. He revved up the saw and took it to Kelce’s head. He held the severed head high in the air and screamed “HOW ABOUT THIS FOR A FUCKING SURPRISE!?”
We asked the hostess, who chose to remain anonymous, about the terrifying scene.
“It was awful. It was really awful. This is why we don’t bring the steak knife out until after you order your dinner. To prevent situations like these. They said it was a surprise party for Andy Reid, though; and I’m a huge Chiefs fan, so I brought the knives out beforehand because they told me he likes to cut his butter with a steak knife. I just thought it would be a nice gesture. I don’t know how the chainsaw got there.”
The Chiefs have signed Tony Gonzalez.
A group of Brazilian researchers have announced the discovery of the long sought city of gold. The Lost City of Z, believed to be hidden somewhere in the Amazon Rainforest, has eluded explorers for centuries. Many who have dared to search for the legendary city have never been seen again. Today, those worries can be set aside. The Lost City of Z has been found, and those who discovered it have returned. One of these brave explorers is Zoomhai Zimestike.
“Well, it’s been a hell of a journey. After years of battling the harsh life of the Amazon and coming home empty handed, we started to wonder if we had been misled. We knew the Lost City of Z existed, but nobody has ever been able to find it after all these years. We talked amongst ourselves and wondered if it was really here. Kyle mentioned they’ve been finding some surprising things hidden in James Harden’s beard lately, like the brain of JFK, which had been missing for the last half-century. We figured what the hell, it’s worth a shot. We all packed our gear and flew out to Houston the next morning. Warned about the dangers of entering the beard during daylight hours, we waited until nightfall. We packed up our tents and all of the essentials, but made sure not to bring any razors. It was really rough territory the first couple of days. The terrain was harsh and unforgiving, and it was very dark. Once we got past the infamous Curly’s Corner, things started to ease up for us. We made really good progress over the next few days, and that’s when we saw it. It started as a flicker in the distance, but as we approached, the piles of gold became clear. It was a dream come true. It still is. It’s very hard for me to wrap my head around. I just can’t believe we actually found it.”
A recently formed group out of the United Kingdom has decided we’d all be better off dead. The group, called BirthStrike, was originally established by Blythe Pepino, who, fearful of bringing children into a world on the verge of collapse, decided to unite with fifty-nine equally cynical depressives. Says Pepino, (real quote) “I do have a partner and would like to have children with him. We’re really in love, and it feels like the right thing to do,… But last year I read the latest report form the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change [IPCC] and realized how wrong it would be to bring a child into a world on the brink of catastrophe. Now we are looking for [others] who feel the same way to join us.”
We caught up with one of the first members to join, Gassandra Goffploob, and asked her about the future of the group and humanity itself.
“Well, the short answer is none. The group will soon seize to exist because we will all seize to exist. The world is ending, and it’s ending soon, and it’s all because of us. My husband and I thought about raising a strong, well-read child who could grow up to fight for a healthy planet and a healthy population, but we quickly realized that was a stupid idea and the world we be a better place if we were all just dead already. So, we decided not to bring a child into this crumbling world and join BirthStrike instead. It’s been really great, but I don’t think we’re doing enough. Not having our own children is a good start, but I think we need to take it a step further and start killing other people’s children. They’ve made a grave mistake, and we’d love to help them correct that mistake before it’s too late.”