Donald Trump Mistaken For Bag of Potato Chips

A 47 year old woman by the name of Jessica Jenkins has announced a lawsuit against the President of the United States after she mistook him for a bag of potato chips. The incident occurred on Monday, June 17th just outside of Times Square. “It was all very confusing,” said Jenkins. “It was my firstContinue reading “Donald Trump Mistaken For Bag of Potato Chips”

NBA to Hold Memorial Service for Kevin Durant’s Achilles

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver has announced the NBA will be holding a memorial service on June 19th to mourn the loss of Kevin Durant’s season. The event will take place at the house of Warriors General Manager, Bob Myers, who sought psychiatric assistance after the devastating loss. “I was devastated. I saw Kevin go downContinue reading “NBA to Hold Memorial Service for Kevin Durant’s Achilles”

GameStop Turns Itself in, Gets Seven Dollars in Store Credit

The popular video game retailer, GameStop, has announced they will no longer be under operation. The move comes as a bit of surprise after Jacob from Springfield pre-ordered not one, but two copies of the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 4. New Gamestop CEO George Sherman was kind enough to provide us with moreContinue reading “GameStop Turns Itself in, Gets Seven Dollars in Store Credit”

Florida Teenager Molested by E-Cigarette

The family of Florida teenager Goff Goldbergstein is filing a lawsuit against new e-cig spinoff brand, Juu, after the boy claimed to be molested by a strawberry cartridge. The company, created in hopes of providing the Jewish community with a safer and more affordable smoking experience, declined to comment on the matter. Goldbergstein claims heContinue reading “Florida Teenager Molested by E-Cigarette”

Giant Squid Found in McDonalds Happy Meal

A 35-foot giant squid has been found in the happy meal of an unsuspecting McDonalds customer in Southern California. The five year-old boy, Jameson Joom, asked his mother if they could go to McDonalds after his first day of kindergarten, and she obliged. When the two pulled into the drive-thru, Jessica Joom ordered her sonContinue reading “Giant Squid Found in McDonalds Happy Meal”

Travis Kelce Slaughtered and Mutilated by Head Coach Andy Reid

The horror continues for Chiefs fans. Just weeks after Patrick Mahomes was caught peddling heroin-infused footballs to prisoners, CBC Sports reports star tight end Travis Kelce has been brutally murdered by head coach Andy Reid. The video, released this morning, shows Andy Reid walking into a local Chile’s for an evening dinner with his wife.Continue reading “Travis Kelce Slaughtered and Mutilated by Head Coach Andy Reid”

Canadian Woman Finds Out She’s Actually Mexican

From the moment we’re born, the world presents us with an identity. As we grow up, we embark on an everlasting search for what that identity is. We put together bits and pieces, we learn and we grow, we mold and transform. We develop a better understanding of who we really are. Most of us,Continue reading “Canadian Woman Finds Out She’s Actually Mexican”

MLB to Shorten Games to Five Minutes

In a drastic move to make the game more appealing to a wider audience, Major League Baseball has announced a series of new rules. Most notable among these new regulations is a rule requiring that games be finished in under five minutes time. Commissioner Manfred was kind enough to give us his thoughts on theContinue reading “MLB to Shorten Games to Five Minutes”

Antonio Brown to Decide Where Raiders Play Next Year

Where the Oakland Raiders would play their home games for the 2019 season had long been a question. A question that was finally answered when they agreed to play at Oracle Park in San Francisco. The decision was assumed to be final. Sometimes, however, things happen. This time, that thing is Antonio Brown. In additionContinue reading “Antonio Brown to Decide Where Raiders Play Next Year”

Colorado Man Forgets Why He’s in Garage

A Colorado man has announced he can’t remember why he went into his garage. Dave Dreefglom, a husband, father of four, and a mechanical engineer, described the horrific event to us this morning. “Oh, man. It was brutal. It’s still difficult. It’s still difficult for me to talk about. It was umm… well it wasContinue reading “Colorado Man Forgets Why He’s in Garage”