Colorado Man Forgets Why He’s in Garage

A Colorado man has announced he can’t remember why he went into his garage. Dave Dreefglom, a husband, father of four, and a mechanical engineer, described the horrific event to us this morning.

“Oh, man. It was brutal. It’s still difficult. It’s still difficult for me to talk about. It was umm… well it was just a regular old Sunday afternoon, you know. I was doing a few things around the house, I had the golf on. The kids had some friends over, they were running all around the house. I was in the kitchen, and I found myself wandering towards the garage. I know I needed to go in there for something, I know it. There was a reason I went to the garage, but when I got out there, I just found myself standing by the fridge looking around aimlessly. I couldn’t remember why I was there. I tried to remember why I went out there, but… man this is tough. I… I just couldn’t remember. I just couldn’t remember.”

Mr. Dreefglom isn’t the only one to experience the tragedy of garage dysphoria. It’s estimated that 400 people per day seize to remember why they went into the garage, staring blankly at the ground asking, “Why? Why am I here?” Luckily, there is hope. We can fight this terrible terrible condition if we come together. The WTFWID (What the Fuck Was I Doing) Collective is offering free membership all week to anyone who has experienced garage dysphoria. The organization provides tools and support to help people remember why it is they went into the garage in the first goddam place. This include pens and notepads, recording devices, and a 24-hour delirium hot line.

Remember. There is hope, and you’re not alone.

Government to Crack Down on “Student of the Month” Stickers

President Trump has issued an executive order imposing harsher regulations on the distribution of “Student of the Month” stickers in elementary schools after many citizens claim to be seeing them everywhere. One of those citizens is Windsor, California resident Doov Stime.

“It’s ridiculous. Everywhere I go, I see “My child is student of the month at Windsor Creek” stickers. These kids are only in school for nine months out of the year and somehow I’m seeing over one hundred stickers around town. They’ve become meaningless. If everyone is student of the month, then no one is. I mean, what, do they just hand them out at the front desk to anyone who wants one? There’s no accountability here. These people are perpetuating a lie. If they said “my child is one of the thirty students of the month” I would be okay with it. Or if they said “my child goes to Windsor Creek and got a B in third grade arithmetic and I’m super proud and want to be recognized for how great of a job I’ve done raising a child.” That would be fine, because at least it would be honest. Granted, it’s a pretty long bumper sticker, but at least it’s not a lie.”

Mr. Stime is one of the ten thousand parents who marched to the White House after their children did not receive student of the month honors while seemingly everyone else’s did. The grassroots movement was one that simply couldn’t be ignored.

President Trump gave his brief thoughts on the newly issued executive order. “This is great. This is really great. It’s gonna be great. We’ve had a lot of people pushing for this. A lot of people. These are great people, and they want their children to be honored fairly. And can you blame them? Can you blame them?”

The executive order will require that all elementary schools in the United States only issue one “Student of the Month” award per month and print a maximum of ten bumper stickers per calendar year. The restrictions will be heavily enforced by the National Guard, and any violation will result in a loss of government funding for the school.

United States Wins $500 Trillion in World Lottery

The wait is finally over. After 2,000 years, the World Lottery announced the United States has correctly filled out all five hundred numbers, taking home the grand prize of $500 trillion. This is by far the largest prize in the history of the World Lottery, dramatically outdoing the $750 billion won by Senegal when it filled out 436 of the 500 correct numbers in 1974 and immediately spent it all on a really cool boat.

We asked the United States what it plans to do with the prize money. “Well, as you may know, we’ve got about $22 trillion in debt, so we’ll definitely be paying some of that off. We’re thinking of knocking a thousand dollars off that right away, and I think that’ll provide us with a lot of relief. More exciting, however, is the opportunity to invest in some of the amazing technology that’s out there, particularly some of the military technology. We heard there’s a new prototype for a jet that runs entirely on Dr. Pepper, which would be huge. There’s also a sweet new tank that turns into a submarine on voice command that we’re really excited to mess around with. Ooh and they’ve got these drones now that look exactly like crows. It’s crazy. We’re thinking of buying about ten thousand of those and flying them into North Korea during migration season. Do crows migrate? Who cares, it’s gonna be really cool.”

Republican Wakes up From Drunken Stupor, Asks Michael Cohen if He Has a Book Deal

Prominent Republican and Senate representative Gavin Gleem went to bed incredibly drunk last night. He couldn’t even walk on his own, as his wife Marcia had to carry him to bed. He asked her “Who are you? Wait… who am I?” Delirious, the Republican senator passed out immediately upon hitting the bed.

Remarkably, he woke up just thirty minutes later and clearly asked, “Mr. Cohen, have you had discussions about a book deal?” Confused, Marcia said, “I’m not Mr. Cohen, hunny. Go back to sleep.” He slowly cuddled back up with his Dora the Explorer blanket and fell back to sleep.

Thirty minutes later, however, it happened again. Louder this time. “Mr. Cohen, have you had discussions regarding a book or movie about your experience!?” Once again, Mrs. Gleem urged her husband to go back to sleep.

Much to her annoyance, Mr. Gleem woke up again, thirty minutes later. And again, he addressed the subject of a book deal, this time with even more fervor. “MR. COHEN, CAN YOU GUARANTEE THAT YOU WON’T PURSUE A BOOK OR MOVIE DEAL REGARDING YOUR EXPERIENCE!?” This went on throughout the night, and poor Mrs. Gleem never got a wink of shut eye.

Academy Tries to be Socially Conscious, Still Enrages Audience

Eager to finally please a progressive audience, the Academy Awards seemed destined to attain their goal. However, as Catherine Shoard (from the Guardian) writes (real quote) “Finally, they looked in step and progressive… And then Green Book took best picture.” She details the horrors of a Green Book victory in more detail below.

(real quote) “The presenters were also conspicuously diverse, with 29 of the 52 non-white. In a year that saw landmark victories for black women in technical categories, the Academy was making an obvious but admirable bid to give airtime to people of colour. It worked. Finally, they looked in step and progressive… And then Green Book took best picture… to award a movie whose take on race relations seems more suited to its 60s setting than 2019 was an extraordinary final-reel slap in the face from this hitherto impeccable ceremony. More than that, it undid all the efforts that had come before.”

Like many progressive viewers, Shoard was counting exactly how many people walked onto the stage, separating them by their race. She created a spreadsheet, marking down each individual and categorizing them according to their race to prove the Academy categorizes people based on race.  When she counted up her numbers, she was satisfied. That was until Green Book won for best picture, bringing to the stage way too many white guys, ruining the statistics and destroying the night. But most importantly, destroying progress.

As Jason O. Gilbert writes, (real quote) “Green Book is an inspirational tale of how we can end racism if everyone, regardless of background, just works together. So please welcome the stage the producers of Green Book: 1000 white guys who were all born in 1961″

Many others shared the tolerant and definitely not racist behavior that progressives are widely known for.

(real quote) “I wish folks would stop jumping in Black people’s mentions Whitesplaining how we should feel about Green Book. Y’all are annoying af. Go be productive and instead educate yourselves on Victor Hugo Green and the REAL history of Green Book travel book.” – Rebecca Theodore-Vachon

(real quote) “Soooo, let’s just be absolutely clear: “Green Book” was definitely not the Best Picture of the year, but it was certainly the most comforting movie for fragile white people who need that sort of thing in our Era of Trump.” – Charlotte Clymer

(real quote) “Green Book? More like the White Pages” – Ira

It was an almost for the Academy. They picked the right kind of movie, but the wrong movie. As Academy Director Shmike Shmoon told us “We thought we did it right. We didn’t realize this movie was directed by a white man with the help of other white men. We didn’t even consider it. Next year, we’ll be sure it’s the first thing we look at.”

Dog Forgets Man in Car on Hot Summer Day

An eighty-pound Labrador retriever from Milwaukee, Wisconsin has been charged for locking his owner in the back seat of his Ford Explorer with the windows up on a 95 degree summer day with 80% humidity and a 4 mph breeze coming from the Northeast. The retriever, known to the locals as Ruff Ruff Roo Roo, spent forty-five minutes in the Milwaukee PetSmart sniffing around for peanut butter and butthole while his owner’s brain slowly melted in the back of his 1997 black Ford Explorer that he bought from his uncle for just $500.

Fortunately for the helpless human, a family of terriers heard the 42 year-old husband and father of three yelping in the backseat, and began jumping and clawing at the window. After ten minutes of struggles, the window finally cracked as one of the terriers was able to break the window open with its snout. Exasperated, the human flopped out of the car and onto the pavement, barely mustering out the word “water.”

One of the brave terriers immediately sprinted into PetSmart and knocked a fish tank into a cart and pushed it to the parking lot. Once the brave soul was able to get it to the car, his family helped him tip over the cart as the fish water came rushing over the poor human. Relieved, the human was able to muster the energy to begin lapping up the rest of the water off the pavement, saving his life.

Leaving an owner in a car under unsafe conditions is illegal in Wisconsin. If you see an owner trapped in a car this summer, call the police immediately. If it takes more than 15 minutes for the K-9 unit to get there, don’t be afraid to take matters into your own hands and save a life, just like these heroic Terriers.

Tallahassee Man Discovers Birth Mark, Tells Everyone He Has Cancer

Tallahassee native Greg Goob has announced on Facebook that he has cancer after discovering a small mark on his back that has been there forever but he only just noticed. In a cryptic and startling post, Greg simply wrote as his status: “I have cancer.”

We asked Greg for his thoughts on his supposed cancer. “I’ve been waiting for a moment like this. Nobody ever paid much attention to me. Now they have to, because I have cancer. Hopefully it kills me, that way I can be the guy who died. Then they’ll really have to pay attention to me. Everyone will be saying, “Did you hear about Greg? He died. He died of cancer.”

We got in touch with a few of Greg’s Facebook friends to ask them if they had indeed heard about Greg.

Peter Flink was the first to write us back. “Yes, I saw Greg’s status yesterday and am very saddened by the news. I never knew Greg well, we just went to high school together. I don’t remember much about him other than he was pretty decent at tennis, apparently. It’s hard to believe someone you hardly knew existed could wind up having cancer. It’s been hard on me for sure. It’s been hard on my family. We’ve all been suffering right along with Greg. We’re sending him our thoughts and prayers, and we’re confident he’ll fight this.”

To support Greg, you can visit his GoFundMe at IhaveCancerIhaveCancer.gofundme.com.

Starbucks Outbreak Kills Five

An outbreak of Starbucks construction has resulted in the death of five Los Angeles residents, the highest total in over a year. Reporter Megan Bleem was there to describe the horrific scene.

“I watched it all unfold right in front of me. I was just sitting on the outside patio of the Starbucks on the east side of Franklin Street enjoying my grande white mocha with no whip cream when a man walked out of the Starbucks across the street and wandered over to the open lot right beside it. He was just looking around, curious, you know. Then he took notice of the sign, which explained the lot was grounds for a new Starbucks. I think he knew danger was imminent at this point. He started looking around wearily, but it was too late. A crane immediately dropped two tons of foundation right on top of him. There was a family of four standing in the parking lot, shocked at what they had just seen. Stuck in their tracks from the sheer horror, they were unfortunately caught in the delivery crossfire, pelted to death by sugar packets and straws.”

This is the sixth incident of Starbucks related deaths in Los Angeles this year, and the deadliest in 15 months, since the infamous Macchiato Massacre, when thirty-five residents drowned after the cap came loose on a quintuple shot venti caramel macchiato.

Jussie Smollett Doubles Down, Says He Was Also Attacked by Group of Racist Pandas

Just days after new insights have suggested Jussie Smollett may have orchestrated his own hate crime, the ‘Empire’ actor is revealing yet another alleged attack.

“I just want to say that this is all really terrible. It’s terrible this first attack happened to me. It’s terrible people don’t believe me. They’re terrible. Everything is terrible. Everyone is terrible. Except for me. I’m not terrible. I’m a victim. I’m a victim of this attack, and well… I haven’t said this before, but I’m a victim of another attack as well. I’ve never told anyone about this and… gosh this is really hard for me, but… about a year ago… I was attacked by a group of racist pandas. I was walking in the park and three pandas swung down from an overhanging tree and put a bag over my head. They started screaming “Skin boy!” and “House Dweller!” They clawed at my chest and tightened the bag. I could hardly breathe. When they took it off, I noticed they were wearing “Bamboo or Die” hats, and as they waddled away, they turned back at me and yelled “This is Bamboo country!”

We went to Twitter to see what the American people thought of the recent developments in the Smollett case. Righty McWhity wasn’t holding back, writing a scathing takedown of Smollett and the American Left. “Hahahaha, this guy is so full of shit, just like the rest of the leftists in this country! You can’t believe a single thing any of these people say! Fake news! Next time anyone claims they’ve been the victim of a hate crime, I’m going to forcefully remind them of this particular scenario to demonstrate that the left is always stupid and nobody is a victim. Go to work, snowflakes!”

Lefty Mynoritay had a different take on the issue. “The alt-right’s reaction to this is so upsetting. Just because one person may have staged an attack doesn’t mean we shouldn’t #believevictims. I still stand with Jussie. As a member of the LGBTQ+#$^^&**@!?><;{}\LMNOP%’”|/( community, we stand together. We all make mistakes. We love you, Jussie. Love will conquer all. Fuck conservatives.”

Prominent Twitter user Creetical Theenk weighed in on the issue as well. “I think this whole situation is unfortunate. It’s unfortunate for people who are actually victims of hate crimes and discrimination. They’re hurt the most by this if the attack was indeed proven to be staged. The last thing you want is people to be overly dismissive of serious accusations. We also see the danger of blindly accepting something to be true in order to further a political agenda. I think we should try and reserve judgement until all of the facts come out.”

Mr. Theenk was murdered immediately after releasing this tweet. May he rest in peace.

Woman Forgets to Lock Door, is Murdered Immediately

Larissa Fisterson always made sure to lock the door. When her husband went to work every day, she would lock the door behind him as soon as he left. She double checked the door before going to sleep every night. She even locked the door when she went to get her mail.

On February 13, 2019, Larissa had a lapse in concentration. When her husband went out the front door and off to work as usual, Larissa was in the bathroom. She figured she could finish up, then go lock the front door. She was wrong.

As she opened the bathroom door, she noticed a man standing in front of her with a large axe. Before she could even let out a scream, the axe had pierced her skull, killing her immediately. There was blood everywhere. Her nightmare had become a reality.

Unlocked doors are the leading cause of death in the United States, outnumbering cancer, car crashes, drugs, the DMV, and double stuffed Oreos… combined. It’s estimated there are on average, six men outside your house at any given time, waiting to murder you with an axe. Leaving the door unlocked for just a second can be devastating.

The National Door Lockers Association of America (NDLAA) has recommended everyone invest in auto-locking door technology to alleviate the worries of getting murdered by a man with an axe. This technology will automatically lock the door every time you leave the house, and uses rectal scanning software to safely identify you and your loved ones for safe entry into your home. Remember, you can never be too careful.