8-Year-Old Boy Traded to Neighboring House Minutes Before MLB Trade Deadline

The rumors have been swirling around the Miller’s for weeks. After three months of lackluster societal contribution from the family, many expected the Miller’s to be major sellers at the deadline, but nobody expected this. Last night, the family sent their ten-year-old German Shepard, Rocky, to the Rodriguez household for a two-year-old fish tank in near mint condition. The move was to be expected, with Rocky’s strong start to the year and his contract with life nearing an end.

This morning, the Miller family struck a deal with the Lin’s for the mother of the household, Sandra Miller, who maintains multiple years of marital control. Although Mrs. Miller was having a down year, the Lin’s are confident they can turn her into a force to be reckoned with. The Lin family has a tradition of turning burnt-out mothers into prolific all-around contributors late in their careers. After acquiring 46-year-old Kelsey Daniels from the Goldberg’s in a three-family deal two years ago, the Lin family has turned the formerly useless piece of couch adhesive into one of the foremost leaders in the field of genetic engineering. The Miller family will receive a child to be named later from the Lin’s.

The move was, again, not unexpected, as many believed a change of scenery might be best for Mrs. Miller and the Miller family.

As the deadline neared at 4 p.m. Eastern time this afternoon, many in the industry expected the Miller’s to be busy fielding calls for their star contributor, 16-year-old Larissa, who would certainly be shipped for younger, more controllable pieces. Instead, the Millers seem to have nixed their plans for a supposed rebuild in the hopes of making a run at familial honor in the next two years. Jefferson Family Manager Rod Pickert said, of the scenario: “I’m surprised. Very surprised. Everyone expected the Millers to be major sellers this year and start over, but it looks like they’re gonna make one more run at it around Larissa. Everyone knows she’s going to be gone in two years. It’s common knowledge she doesn’t get along with her mother and hates her home town. But who knows, I heard they decided to send Mrs. Miller to the Lin’s, so maybe things turn around for them.”

Much like Mr. Pickert, many in the industry thought Larissa would be the major piece moving away from the Miller’s at the deadline. When it turned out to be eight-year-old brother, Kyle, shock waves were sent through the community. Just minutes before the deadline passed, Ken Daisyballs reported the eight-year-old boy had been traded to the neighboring Robinson’s for 52-year-old Uncle Frank Lancaster, 44-year-old Auntie Barb, and first round positioning in next year’s sperm bank draft.

On the surface, the move seems to make little sense. The Miller family gets older and receives an uncertain first-round sperm selection while sending away their top prospect, a kid who made the ten-year-old’s all-star team at age eight and has shown promising results on his multiplication tables. Nobody knows what the future holds for the Millers, but something needed to change; and boy did something change.

GameStop Turns Itself in, Gets Seven Dollars in Store Credit

The popular video game retailer, GameStop, has announced they will no longer be under operation. The move comes as a bit of surprise after Jacob from Springfield pre-ordered not one, but two copies of the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 4. New Gamestop CEO George Sherman was kind enough to provide us with more information on the surprising move.

“Well, we saw an opportunity that was just too good for us to pass up. The company has been deteriorating in value over time, like all of them do. Except for the classics of course. We figured it was best for us to cash in on what remaining value was left in the company instead of letting it crumble into something worthless like NBA 2k9. When we heard about the new NASDAQ exchange program, we were really excited. We figured it would be an easy way for us to get $750 million or so in stock money. Unfortunately, the best they could do was seven dollars in store credit. But, we were already there, so we went ahead and took the deal.”

Florida Teenager Molested by E-Cigarette

The family of Florida teenager Goff Goldbergstein is filing a lawsuit against new e-cig spinoff brand, Juu, after the boy claimed to be molested by a strawberry cartridge. The company, created in hopes of providing the Jewish community with a safer and more affordable smoking experience, declined to comment on the matter.

Goldbergstein claims he was trying to blow progressively larger circles after taking a fat rip from his new Juu when the cartridge popped out and began crawling up his leg. “It was a funny feeling at first,” said Goldbergstein. “It was just kind of a mild tickling sensation, and I didn’t really think anything of it. The cartridge started to move up my leg, and before I realized what was even happening, it was holding my private parts.”

This particular scenario is just one of many harrowing tales of e-cigarettes taking advantage of our nation’s youth. If you or a loved one has been abused by an e-cigarette, you can call 1-800 FUCK OFF to speak with an attorney.

Tiger Woods Blames Missed Cut on House Democrats

The second major of the year didn’t go as planned for Tiger Woods. Coming off a win for the ages at the Masters, Woods failed to make the cut at this year’s PGA Championship. Many wondered if this was a simple let down performance after an enthralling Masters win or if the time off between tournaments came back to bite him, but Woods had a different explanation. The reason for his poor performance, Woods explains, is “those slimy Democrats running the House.”

The reasoning given by Woods comes with little curiosity, as James Harden blamed “the God damn Republicans” for the Rockets’ loss to the Golden State Warriors last week, Harvey Weinstein blamed “the fucking Germans” for his sexual bankruptcy, and the cast of Cheers laid waste to “those smug, idiot Libertarians” for screwing up “absolutely everything.”

If we’ve learned anything so far in 2019, it’s that everything is their fault. Who “they” are is up for us to decide, but one thing is for certain. It is and always will be their fault.

Giant Squid Found in McDonalds Happy Meal

A 35-foot giant squid has been found in the happy meal of an unsuspecting McDonalds customer in Southern California. The five year-old boy, Jameson Joom, asked his mother if they could go to McDonalds after his first day of kindergarten, and she obliged. When the two pulled into the drive-thru, Jessica Joom ordered her son a happy meal and proceeded to the first window, then the second window. When she was given her son’s happy meal, Mrs. Joom noticed it was a little heavy, but didn’t think much of it, handing the bag gently to her son in the back seat. When he opened the bag to grab his fries, she heard a piercing shriek.

“It was terrifying. I’ve never heard him scream so loud. He just started yelling, “MOM MOM THERE’S A GIANT SQUID IN MY FRIES!” I told him not be silly because I needed to focus on the road, but when I was slapped in the face by one of the tentacles, I knew he wasn’t kidding anymore. The front windshield shattered and the squid slithered its way out. We were in shock. I still can’t believe it happened. I had heard of people finding hairs in their fries and fingers in their chicken nuggets, but I never expected this. I’m just glad we’re both okay.”

When asked if she was going to file a lawsuit against McDonalds for the incident, Mrs. Joom was dismissive, saying “sometimes things like this just happen.”

Lost City of Z Found in James Harden’s Beard

A group of Brazilian researchers have announced the discovery of the long sought city of gold. The Lost City of Z, believed to be hidden somewhere in the Amazon Rainforest, has eluded explorers for centuries. Many who have dared to search for the legendary city have never been seen again. Today, those worries can be set aside. The Lost City of Z has been found, and those who discovered it have returned. One of these brave explorers is Zoomhai Zimestike.

“Well, it’s been a hell of a journey. After years of battling the harsh life of the Amazon and coming home empty handed, we started to wonder if we had been misled. We knew the Lost City of Z existed, but nobody has ever been able to find it after all these years. We talked amongst ourselves and wondered if it was really here. Kyle mentioned they’ve been finding some surprising things hidden in James Harden’s beard lately, like the brain of JFK, which had been missing for the last half-century. We figured what the hell, it’s worth a shot. We all packed our gear and flew out to Houston the next morning. Warned about the dangers of entering the beard during daylight hours, we waited until nightfall. We packed up our tents and all of the essentials, but made sure not to bring any razors. It was really rough territory the first couple of days. The terrain was harsh and unforgiving, and it was very dark. Once we got past the infamous Curly’s Corner, things started to ease up for us. We made really good progress over the next few days, and that’s when we saw it. It started as a flicker in the distance, but as we approached, the piles of gold became clear. It was a dream come true. It still is. It’s very hard for me to wrap my head around. I just can’t believe we actually found it.”

UK Group Decides Best Action for Humanity is to End Humanity

A recently formed group out of the United Kingdom has decided we’d all be better off dead. The group, called BirthStrike, was originally established by Blythe Pepino, who, fearful of bringing children into a world on the verge of collapse, decided to unite with fifty-nine equally cynical depressives. Says Pepino, (real quote) “I do have a partner and would like to have children with him. We’re really in love, and it feels like the right thing to do,… But last year I read the latest report form the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change [IPCC] and realized how wrong it would be to bring a child into a world on the brink of catastrophe. Now we are looking for [others] who feel the same way to join us.”

We caught up with one of the first members to join, Gassandra Goffploob, and asked her about the future of the group and humanity itself.

“Well, the short answer is none. The group will soon seize to exist because we will all seize to exist. The world is ending, and it’s ending soon, and it’s all because of us. My husband and I thought about raising a strong, well-read child who could grow up to fight for a healthy planet and a healthy population, but we quickly realized that was a stupid idea and the world we be a better place if we were all just dead already. So, we decided not to bring a child into this crumbling world and join BirthStrike instead. It’s been really great, but I don’t think we’re doing enough. Not having our own children is a good start, but I think we need to take it a step further and start killing other people’s children. They’ve made a grave mistake, and we’d love to help them correct that mistake before it’s too late.”

Canadian Woman Finds Out She’s Actually Mexican

From the moment we’re born, the world presents us with an identity. As we grow up, we embark on an everlasting search for what that identity is. We put together bits and pieces, we learn and we grow, we mold and transform. We develop a better understanding of who we really are. Most of us, at least. Some of us wander around aimlessly, waiting for something else to define us.

One of these particularly clueless individuals is Canadian pre-school teacher Jessica Smith. Mrs. Smith, or as she’s known to her students, “Yay!” has lived in Alberta her entire life, and has become a model citizen for everything Canadian. When she saw an ad for Ancestry.com, she became curious about just how Canadian she actually is. What followed was an unexpected turn of events that would change Mrs. Smith’s life forever.

“So, I saw the ad pop up on my computer one morning when I was reading an article about bullying, and it really caught my attention. I was always curious about my heritage. I mean, I knew I was Canadian, but how Canadian was I, exactly? It was a question I just had to have answered. When the results came in, I couldn’t have been more excited. This was the moment I would finally understand my true identity. When I started reading the results, though, I was a bit surprised. It turns out that I’m not Canadian at all. I’m 100% Mexican. It was a bit of a shock. Being Canadian was everything to me. But now I’m Mexican, and being Mexican is everything to me.”

MLB to Shorten Games to Five Minutes

In a drastic move to make the game more appealing to a wider audience, Major League Baseball has announced a series of new rules. Most notable among these new regulations is a rule requiring that games be finished in under five minutes time. Commissioner Manfred was kind enough to give us his thoughts on the new regulations.

“Well, as you know, we’ve been trying to shorten the length of games for some time now. In the past, we figured people who never liked baseball would all of a sudden like baseball if the games were two hours and forty-five minutes instead of three, but we were wrong. We didn’t go far enough. We didn’t take into account who these people are, and where there attention lies. After some research, we came to understand that most people can only pay attention to something for a few minutes. The average YouTube video is about four minutes, which was really key for us to understand. That’s the hit zone. That’s our audience. All of these people who are watching cat videos and prankster videos, we think we can get them to watch baseball.”

In order to accommodate the five minute rule, MLB has decided to just eliminate the pitcher entirely. There will now be a machine set up on the mound which will pump heaters in at 150 mph. Each team will send one batter up at a time, who will get one swing to try and park one. The teams will alternate swings until a dinger has been launched. If no dinger is launched at the end of five minutes, the game will end in a tie and both teams will play a friendly game of scrabble around third base, which will be streamed live on Twitch.

Antonio Brown to Decide Where Raiders Play Next Year

Where the Oakland Raiders would play their home games for the 2019 season had long been a question. A question that was finally answered when they agreed to play at Oracle Park in San Francisco. The decision was assumed to be final. Sometimes, however, things happen. This time, that thing is Antonio Brown.

In addition to a pay raise, a twenty-five foot golden statue, his own personal locker room, stadium rights, and six-weeks paid vacation, Antonio Brown’s new contract with the Raiders gives the star wide receiver the power to decide where the team plays their home games. It’s to be determined where exactly that will be, but Brown has dropped some hints on his Twitter handle.

“Tel Aviv sure is nice!”

“Looking for houses in Barcelona today!”

“Could get used to Ft. Lauderdale.”

“I’ve always been fascinated by Asian culture. Future home, perhaps?”

Much is still up in the air for the Raiders this season. One thing is for certain, though. Antonio Brown will be getting the football.

“I didn’t tell anyone this, but there are some other details to the contract. One of those details is that Derek Carr must throw me the ball at least twelve times a game. If he doesn’t, I have to be traded immediately, and I get to decide where. Imma get that ball in my hands, boy. Yeahhhhh.”