Hibernating Demon Bursts Out of Texas Pipe, Killing Five

As Texas residents continue to scramble for warmth and water amidst an unprecedented winter storm, a new and perhaps more frightening danger looms over the state. Just minutes before sunrise, the Gomez family of Waco, Texas was awakened to what was described by neighboring residents as “a soul-piercing screech from hell.” “I was just doingContinue reading “Hibernating Demon Bursts Out of Texas Pipe, Killing Five”

Elon Musk Tries to Purchase Amazon on Amazon

After recently overtaking Jeff Bezos as the richest man in the world, Elon Musk has wasted no time looking for new ways to expand his global reach. The world-renowned owner of companies such as Tesla and SpaceX, Musk was seen attempting to purchase Bezos’ company through the site itself. Stopping for his usual morning coffeeContinue reading “Elon Musk Tries to Purchase Amazon on Amazon”

Experimental Subjects Escape Lab, Storm Capitol

A scientific study at Capitol State University took an unexpected turn yesterday when thousands of experimental subjects escaped the confines of a campus laboratory. What was supposed to be a ground-breaking study on conscious behavior in unborn fetuses became an immediate threat to national security when the fetuses suddenly developed into adult bodies and escapedContinue reading “Experimental Subjects Escape Lab, Storm Capitol”

8-Year-Old Boy Traded to Neighboring House Minutes Before MLB Trade Deadline

The rumors have been swirling around the Miller’s for weeks. After three months of lackluster societal contribution from the family, many expected the Miller’s to be major sellers at the deadline, but nobody expected this. Last night, the family sent their ten-year-old German Shepard, Rocky, to the Rodriguez household for a two-year-old fish tank in nearContinue reading “8-Year-Old Boy Traded to Neighboring House Minutes Before MLB Trade Deadline”

GameStop Turns Itself in, Gets Seven Dollars in Store Credit

The popular video game retailer, GameStop, has announced they will no longer be under operation. The move comes as a bit of surprise after Jacob from Springfield pre-ordered not one, but two copies of the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 4. New Gamestop CEO George Sherman was kind enough to provide us with moreContinue reading “GameStop Turns Itself in, Gets Seven Dollars in Store Credit”

Florida Teenager Molested by E-Cigarette

The family of Florida teenager Goff Goldbergstein is filing a lawsuit against new e-cig spinoff brand, Juu, after the boy claimed to be molested by a strawberry cartridge. The company, created in hopes of providing the Jewish community with a safer and more affordable smoking experience, declined to comment on the matter. Goldbergstein claims heContinue reading “Florida Teenager Molested by E-Cigarette”

Giant Squid Found in McDonalds Happy Meal

A 35-foot giant squid has been found in the happy meal of an unsuspecting McDonalds customer in Southern California. The five year-old boy, Jameson Joom, asked his mother if they could go to McDonalds after his first day of kindergarten, and she obliged. When the two pulled into the drive-thru, Jessica Joom ordered her sonContinue reading “Giant Squid Found in McDonalds Happy Meal”

Canadian Woman Finds Out She’s Actually Mexican

From the moment we’re born, the world presents us with an identity. As we grow up, we embark on an everlasting search for what that identity is. We put together bits and pieces, we learn and we grow, we mold and transform. We develop a better understanding of who we really are. Most of us,Continue reading “Canadian Woman Finds Out She’s Actually Mexican”

MLB to Shorten Games to Five Minutes

In a drastic move to make the game more appealing to a wider audience, Major League Baseball has announced a series of new rules. Most notable among these new regulations is a rule requiring that games be finished in under five minutes time. Commissioner Manfred was kind enough to give us his thoughts on theContinue reading “MLB to Shorten Games to Five Minutes”

Antonio Brown to Decide Where Raiders Play Next Year

Where the Oakland Raiders would play their home games for the 2019 season had long been a question. A question that was finally answered when they agreed to play at Oracle Park in San Francisco. The decision was assumed to be final. Sometimes, however, things happen. This time, that thing is Antonio Brown. In additionContinue reading “Antonio Brown to Decide Where Raiders Play Next Year”