Travis Kelce Slaughtered and Mutilated by Head Coach Andy Reid

The horror continues for Chiefs fans. Just weeks after Patrick Mahomes was caught peddling heroin-infused footballs to prisoners, CBC Sports reports star tight end Travis Kelce has been brutally murdered by head coach Andy Reid.

The video, released this morning, shows Andy Reid walking into a local Chile’s for an evening dinner with his wife. As he turns the corner, confetti flies down from the ceiling and everyone yells “SURPRISE!” with Kelce at the forefront. Immediately, Reid splits into a fit of rage, grabbing Kelce by the throat and yelling “I HATE SURPRISES! DON’T YOU KNOW I HATE SURPRISES!?” Reid then proceeds to grab a steak knife from the nearest table and begins stabbing Kelce in the spleen. Team members looked on in horror at Reid screaming “I’LL FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU!” as he continued to stab Kelce, now in the throat and eyes. Reid finally let go of Kelce, as the once great tight end’s body hit the floor. Reid, still screaming, then reached under the table and pulled out a chainsaw. He revved up the saw and took it to Kelce’s head. He held the severed head high in the air and screamed “HOW ABOUT THIS FOR A FUCKING SURPRISE!?”

We asked the hostess, who chose to remain anonymous, about the terrifying scene.

“It was awful. It was really awful. This is why we don’t bring the steak knife out until after you order your dinner. To prevent situations like these. They said it was a surprise party for Andy Reid, though; and I’m a huge Chiefs fan, so I brought the knives out beforehand because they told me he likes to cut his butter with a steak knife. I just thought it would be a nice gesture. I don’t know how the chainsaw got there.”

 

The Chiefs have signed Tony Gonzalez.

Patrick Mahomes Caught Smuggling Drugs to Prison Inmates

The series of unfortunate events continues for the Kansas City Chiefs. First, it was Kareem Hunt being released after a video surfaced of him kicking a woman. Then, a heartbreaking loss to Tom Brady and the Patriots in the AFC championship. Last week, news broke of Tyreek Hill being under investigation for battery. And now, Patrick Mahomes.

It has been reported that Kansas City’s darling quarterback has been smuggling drugs to prison inmates for years under the guise of an inmate “rehabilitation” charity. Instead of counseling and support groups, the rehabilitation simply consists of shooting enough heroin through the prisoner’s veins to make him forget he’s in prison in the first place. Mahomes founded the “Stick it Out Foundation” in 2016, visiting over fifty prisons in the United States over the last three years.

Pennsylvania State Penitentiary inmate Skye Skreeb was the first to come forward. “I had been in here a couple months, and my cellmate Kevin was really excited one day when we came back from the yard. He said Patrick Mahomes was coming next week. I thought that was kind of cool, but he’s a Raiders fan, and a really intense dude. I figured he’d be sharpening a toothbrush, but instead he gave me a hug. It was weird. It was really weird. When Mahomes finally got here, he gave us all a lecture about how our lives all mean something and God loves us. At the end, he gave us all signed footballs. The guys were losing their minds. The next day, though, I didn’t see many footballs around anymore, which I thought was odd. Then, I came back to my cell and saw Kevin sticking a needle into his football. I told him that he didn’t need to deflate the football; it was a Patrick Mahomes football, not a Tom Brady one. Instead of laughing at my joke, he just took the needle out of the football and stuck it in his arm. His eyes started to roll back in his head. I was like, shit…”

Several prison inmates across the country have reportedly made deals with authorities to share their stories in exchange for reduced sentences. It has been estimated over ten thousand inmates have been shooting up through Patrick Mahomes signed footballs, bringing upwards of $500 million profit to Mahomes himself.

The Kansas City Chiefs have reportedly signed Mark Sanchez.

Cleveland Browns Sign Kareem Hunt, Ray Rice, Plaxico Burress, Ryan Leaf, OJ Simpson, Michael Vick

The Cleveland Browns have just announced they’ve come to terms with running back Kareem Hunt, running back Ray Rice, wide receiver Plaxico Burress, quarterback Ryan Leaf, running back OJ Simpson, and quarterback Michael Vick.

The flurry of moves comes after the Browns narrowly missed out on a postseason birth after winning just one game in the previous seven hundred years. “It’s our time,” says GM John Dorsey. “We have to accumulate as much talent as possible. This is a talent driven league. I don’t care if you’re a drug addict, a thief, a woman beater, or a murderer; as long as you can play football, you’ll have a spot on the Cleveland Browns.”

We asked Kareem Hunt for a statement on his newfound opportunity with the Browns. “I just want to say I’m sorry. I want to thank god and I can’t wait to hit people again. Go Browns.”

Plaxico Burress also provided us with a statement. “I want to thank God first of all. I’ve learned a lot about safeties over the last few years, and I’m ready to help the Browns win a championship.”

Fans of the Browns have expressed mixed feelings about the signings. Steve Spoob, a third generation Browns fan and the first one in his family not to kill himself, says of the signings, “I can’t believe this. It finally looked like things were going our way, and then we go out and do this. Unbelievable.”

Kyle Gilf also expressed his displeasure. “This is absurd. I can’t believe an NFL team would sign players who are morally questionable. I really thought this was a league that cared about doing what’s right. I’m just so disappointed. So disappointed.”

Agmoo Loogagoo saw things a little bit differently. “Everyone deserves a second chance. I’m stoked to see what these guys can do on the field. All of the fans who think this is a bad idea don’t know anything about football. We’re gonna be championship, baby!”