Tallahassee Man Discovers Birth Mark, Tells Everyone He Has Cancer

Tallahassee native Greg Goob has announced on Facebook that he has cancer after discovering a small mark on his back that has been there forever but he only just noticed. In a cryptic and startling post, Greg simply wrote as his status: “I have cancer.”

We asked Greg for his thoughts on his supposed cancer. “I’ve been waiting for a moment like this. Nobody ever paid much attention to me. Now they have to, because I have cancer. Hopefully it kills me, that way I can be the guy who died. Then they’ll really have to pay attention to me. Everyone will be saying, “Did you hear about Greg? He died. He died of cancer.”

We got in touch with a few of Greg’s Facebook friends to ask them if they had indeed heard about Greg.

Peter Flink was the first to write us back. “Yes, I saw Greg’s status yesterday and am very saddened by the news. I never knew Greg well, we just went to high school together. I don’t remember much about him other than he was pretty decent at tennis, apparently. It’s hard to believe someone you hardly knew existed could wind up having cancer. It’s been hard on me for sure. It’s been hard on my family. We’ve all been suffering right along with Greg. We’re sending him our thoughts and prayers, and we’re confident he’ll fight this.”

To support Greg, you can visit his GoFundMe at IhaveCancerIhaveCancer.gofundme.com.

Jussie Smollett Doubles Down, Says He Was Also Attacked by Group of Racist Pandas

Just days after new insights have suggested Jussie Smollett may have orchestrated his own hate crime, the ‘Empire’ actor is revealing yet another alleged attack.

“I just want to say that this is all really terrible. It’s terrible this first attack happened to me. It’s terrible people don’t believe me. They’re terrible. Everything is terrible. Everyone is terrible. Except for me. I’m not terrible. I’m a victim. I’m a victim of this attack, and well… I haven’t said this before, but I’m a victim of another attack as well. I’ve never told anyone about this and… gosh this is really hard for me, but… about a year ago… I was attacked by a group of racist pandas. I was walking in the park and three pandas swung down from an overhanging tree and put a bag over my head. They started screaming “Skin boy!” and “House Dweller!” They clawed at my chest and tightened the bag. I could hardly breathe. When they took it off, I noticed they were wearing “Bamboo or Die” hats, and as they waddled away, they turned back at me and yelled “This is Bamboo country!”

We went to Twitter to see what the American people thought of the recent developments in the Smollett case. Righty McWhity wasn’t holding back, writing a scathing takedown of Smollett and the American Left. “Hahahaha, this guy is so full of shit, just like the rest of the leftists in this country! You can’t believe a single thing any of these people say! Fake news! Next time anyone claims they’ve been the victim of a hate crime, I’m going to forcefully remind them of this particular scenario to demonstrate that the left is always stupid and nobody is a victim. Go to work, snowflakes!”

Lefty Mynoritay had a different take on the issue. “The alt-right’s reaction to this is so upsetting. Just because one person may have staged an attack doesn’t mean we shouldn’t #believevictims. I still stand with Jussie. As a member of the LGBTQ+#$^^&**@!?><;{}\LMNOP%’”|/( community, we stand together. We all make mistakes. We love you, Jussie. Love will conquer all. Fuck conservatives.”

Prominent Twitter user Creetical Theenk weighed in on the issue as well. “I think this whole situation is unfortunate. It’s unfortunate for people who are actually victims of hate crimes and discrimination. They’re hurt the most by this if the attack was indeed proven to be staged. The last thing you want is people to be overly dismissive of serious accusations. We also see the danger of blindly accepting something to be true in order to further a political agenda. I think we should try and reserve judgement until all of the facts come out.”

Mr. Theenk was murdered immediately after releasing this tweet. May he rest in peace.

Woman Forgets to Lock Door, is Murdered Immediately

Larissa Fisterson always made sure to lock the door. When her husband went to work every day, she would lock the door behind him as soon as he left. She double checked the door before going to sleep every night. She even locked the door when she went to get her mail.

On February 13, 2019, Larissa had a lapse in concentration. When her husband went out the front door and off to work as usual, Larissa was in the bathroom. She figured she could finish up, then go lock the front door. She was wrong.

As she opened the bathroom door, she noticed a man standing in front of her with a large axe. Before she could even let out a scream, the axe had pierced her skull, killing her immediately. There was blood everywhere. Her nightmare had become a reality.

Unlocked doors are the leading cause of death in the United States, outnumbering cancer, car crashes, drugs, the DMV, and double stuffed Oreos… combined. It’s estimated there are on average, six men outside your house at any given time, waiting to murder you with an axe. Leaving the door unlocked for just a second can be devastating.

The National Door Lockers Association of America (NDLAA) has recommended everyone invest in auto-locking door technology to alleviate the worries of getting murdered by a man with an axe. This technology will automatically lock the door every time you leave the house, and uses rectal scanning software to safely identify you and your loved ones for safe entry into your home. Remember, you can never be too careful.

Liam Neeson Reveals He Thought About Bestiality, Too

Just days after Liam Neeson admitted to having murderous thoughts about black people, the 66 year old actor (best known for his role in the “Taken” series) has revealed to 70 Minutes that he once thought about “fucking a horse like something vicious.”

In the extensive interview, Neeson was candid about his experience with oversharing. “You know, since being honest about my demons went over so well for me the first time, I figured the more I share the better. So here it is. One time, and this is hard for me to say, well… one time I thought about fucking a horse like something vicious. I saw it over the fence on my evening walk with its flowing mane, and I just thought to myself, ‘man… I’ve got to fuck that horse.’ I didn’t do it. Nothing ended up happening, but I walked around that farm for a couple of weeks with two Viagra in my hand. I was ready to fuck the first horse that jumped over that fence. I was ready to do it.”

We asked Twitter fanatic Gertrude Gunderson about her thoughts on the latest Neeson revelation. “He’s a rapist and a horse fucker. Absolutely abhorrent that anyone could ever think such a thing. Think about how a horse might feel reading this. How would you feel if you were a horse and you read this? I’ll never see one of his movies ever again. I hope Hollywood does the right thing and sets an example for people like him by never allowing him to work again.”

Fellow Twitter maniac Hun Hun Shoo had a different take. “You know, I think this is really great. Neeson is a hero in my book. He’s opened the door for people all across the world to reveal their dark tales of blasting a horse into oblivion. Shoot, I thought about it just last night. Come to think of it, I feel the urge coming on as we speak. You know of any farms around here?”