Twitter Files for Bankruptcy After Banning Angry People

Twitter, once worth $40 billion, is now filing for bankruptcy, CEO Jack Dorsey has announced. The move comes just months after the company instituted a no tolerance policy on anger, banning any user who “exhibits or contributes to anger or vitriol.”

Down to just six users, Twitter has seen the steepest decline in engagement since Myspace suddenly became irrelevant when everyone went to high school. Dorsey is standing by his decision to implement the anti-anger policy. “Sometimes you just have to do what’s right, even if it destroys your business and your life. I’ll figure something out.”

Many have gone to the rising new social media site FuckYouMotherfucker to express their displeasure. Marcus Jeffries writes “Twitter used to be cool. I used to be able to log on every morning, find the first person who disagrees with me and call them a cunt munching bag of onion dust. I had fifty-thousand followers. People told me I was great. I’m nothing now. I have to start all over.”

Others, like Sarah Masterson, are taking advantage of the fresh start. “It’s great. I’m stoked to be on FuckYouMotherfucker before it gets huge. I’ve already got eight-thousand followers and as long as I keep telling people to choke on their own dicks and die, I think a lot of opportunities could open up for me. “

CBS Reveals Ban on Humor in Super Bowl Ads

Two days after the New England Patriots defeated the Los Angeles Rams in Super Bowl LIII, CBS has announced they placed a ban on humor prior to accepting any advertisements.

An unnamed executive spoke about the issue on behalf of CBS. The executive, who literally does not have a name, said “We just wanted to be safe, you know. You can never be too careful. We realized that in order for something to be funny, it has to make fun of something, be true, or go against the status quo. And at CBS, we just aren’t about any of that. We almost didn’t run that Washington Post ad because we were informed some people aren’t comfortable with the letter “P.” We informed the Washington Post about this issue, but they said they would pay us ten million dollars, so we ended up accepting their ad.”

We asked viewers what they thought of the ban on humor. Harry Masterson, from somewhere in New Mexico, gave us this response: “I thought it was really great. Since the game was so boring, I think the ban on humor worked really well to accentuate that theme throughout the viewing experience.”

Kelly James was also supportive: “Oh I thought it was wonderful. I was really worried I might see something that would cause me to have a reaction. I watch the Super Bowl so I can eat chips and salsa, not laugh.”

Marcus Johnson was not only supportive, but eternally grateful for CBS. “This was just wonderful of CBS to do this. Two years ago, I was eating a chicken wing and saw that Doritos commercial, and the bone went straight down my throat. I had to be rushed to the hospital and they ended up having to pull the bone out through my eye. It was gruesome. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. For CBS to ban humor to protect their viewers is more of what we need in this country. Thank you CBS. Thank you for looking out for me.”

Guy With Computer Eager to Destroy Celebrity’s Life

Doug Robertson always wanted to be a famous musician. An avid lover of the guitar and a huge Beatles fan, Doug was certain his day would come. Unfortunately, like so many others, Doug’s dream never quite materialized, and he now works at a smoke shop downtown. We asked Doug’s father how he feels about his son’s path in life. “I’m disappointed. Very disappointed,” said the 58 year old hedge fund manager.

Doug’s mother, a schoolteacher, was seemingly supportive but ultimately passive aggressive. “You know, whatever Doug wants to do, I’ll always support him. Do I wish he chose to do something more meaningful? Of course, but he’ll always be my little Dougie, and I’ll always love him.”

We asked Doug how he felt about his own future, and he was surprisingly hopeful. “You know, I actually just bought a new computer, which is very exciting. I never had my own before because I wanted to remain connected with the natural world, you know? But now that I have one, I have come to understand my true calling. All this time I thought I was a musician, but I’ve realized my purpose on this earth is to ruin the lives of people who are actually successful. When they found Kevin Hart’s tweets from ten years ago, I almost felt like it was me who found them. And it could have been. I was close. I was so close. My time is coming, though. It’s only a matter of time.”

Barry Bonds Eyeing Comeback to Gain More HOF Eligibility – Dodgers Showing Interest

The Los Angeles Dodgers are reportedly interested in newly found free agent, Barry Bonds. Bonds, who last played in 2007 with the rival Giants, is seeking extended eligibly for the Hall of Fame after becoming frustrated with voters.

“It’s ludicrous” says Bonds. “These guys don’t care about how good of a ballplayer you were. They voted Harold Baines in for Christ sake. Harold fucking Baines. Did you know Harold Baines never even hit thirty home runs in a single season? And he was a designated hitter!”

When asked about his chances of getting into the hall someday, Bonds seemed hopeful. “I think if I just keep playing until most of these voters die, the new ones will vote me in. I’ve spoken with Jamie Moyer and Julio Franco, and they’ve been very helpful and supportive. Plus, by the time I’m 60 I should have at least one thousand home runs. Then they’ll have to vote me in.”

The challenge for Bonds will be finding a team willing to give him a shot. Fortunately, the Dodgers have already been expressing interest. The back-to-back National League Pennant winners have also expressed interest this offseason in Bryce Harper, Manny Machado, J.T. Realmuto, Bartolo Colon, Pete Rose, AA home run king Charlie Chester, the unborn son of Mike Trout, and a literal fish.

“We’re in on everyone,” says Andrew Friedman, President of baseball operations for the Dodgers. “If we think they can help us win, we have to entertain those options.”

Friedman was open-minded about where Bonds may play in the field. “He’ll give us another option, whether it be in the outfield, at first base, or off the bench. We like to have as many options as we can. If we have to play six outfielders and two infielders, that’s what we’ll do. We’ve entertained the prospect of playing without a catcher this season as well, so that’s certainly a possibility.”

When asked if playing for the Dodgers would be a difficult change, Bonds replied: “as long as I get to keep hitting dingers and get into the hall, I don’t really give a fuck.”

 

Man With Truck and American Flag Named Country’s Most Patriotic

A Tulsa, Oklahoma man has been named the country’s most patriotic citizen by the National Census Bureau. Every year, the Bureau conducts a thorough and widespread survey to come up with twenty-five finalists for their national competition in a normally intense jostle for patriotic superiority. This year, however, the winner was clear from the start.

Bureau Chairman Brian Montez weighed in: “Usually, there’s fierce competition for this prestigious honor, where the board and judges are often faced with extremely difficult decisions. Every once in a while, however, somebody is just head and heels above the competition; and that was the case this year, when we found Kyle. Kyle sent us a picture of his lifted truck with a six foot American flag flying on top of it, and we just knew.”

“I felt his love for America from here,” said competition judge Laura Franklin, who resides in New York.

Even the ultra-harsh Massachusetts judge was complimentary. “You know, I thought I loved America, and then I saw Kyle. The mud on his truck. The large wheels, manufactured right here in America. The tinted windows. And of course, the flag. I had never seen such a glorious combination of gratitude and love for one’s country.”

Runner-up finisher David Dominquez was humbled to even be in the company of somebody like Kyle. “It’s crazy. My mother always told me to just do my best and be grateful I live in such a wonderful country. I took her advice to heart. Teaching American history to underprivileged youth, holding fundraisers to keep the Museum of American History afloat, going abroad to speak about representative democracy, these were all things I knew would make my mother and my country proud. To even be compared to somebody like Kyle is truly something I never could have even dreamed of.”