Starbucks Outbreak Kills Five

An outbreak of Starbucks construction has resulted in the death of five Los Angeles residents, the highest total in over a year. Reporter Megan Bleem was there to describe the horrific scene. “I watched it all unfold right in front of me. I was just sitting on the outside patio of the Starbucks on theContinue reading “Starbucks Outbreak Kills Five”

Jussie Smollett Doubles Down, Says He Was Also Attacked by Group of Racist Pandas

Just days after new insights have suggested Jussie Smollett may have orchestrated his own hate crime, the ‘Empire’ actor is revealing yet another alleged attack. “I just want to say that this is all really terrible. It’s terrible this first attack happened to me. It’s terrible people don’t believe me. They’re terrible. Everything is terrible.Continue reading “Jussie Smollett Doubles Down, Says He Was Also Attacked by Group of Racist Pandas”

Woman Forgets to Lock Door, is Murdered Immediately

Like many Americans, Larissa Fisterson always makes sure to lock the door. Every day, when her husband leaves for work each morning, Mrs. Fisterson begins the locking process by simply turning the key lock, as any reasonable citizen would do. Mrs. Fisterson has taken extra precautions, however, installing a custom series of deadbolts just daysContinue reading “Woman Forgets to Lock Door, is Murdered Immediately”

Matt Kuchar Wins $6 Million Prize, Pays Caddy Seventeen Cents

Professional golfer Matt Kuchar is receiving backlash after some believe he stiffed a caddy. Kuchar showed up to the South Antarctican Classic without his regular caddy, John Wood, and agreed to have club caddy Spiral Freeze carry his bag for the week. Kuchar says the two had an agreement before the tournament began. “We agreedContinue reading “Matt Kuchar Wins $6 Million Prize, Pays Caddy Seventeen Cents”

Liam Neeson Reveals He Thought About Bestiality, Too

Just days after Liam Neeson admitted to having murderous thoughts about black people, the 66 year old actor (best known for his role in the “Taken” series) has revealed to 70 Minutes that he once thought about “fucking a horse like something vicious.” In the extensive interview, Neeson was candid about his experience with oversharing.Continue reading “Liam Neeson Reveals He Thought About Bestiality, Too”

Florida Woman Goes Broke Raising Infant Son on Almond Milk

Kelsey Douglass had it all. A loving husband, a three story house, a stable income, and a beautiful young boy on the way. She was happy, full of life, and optimistic about her future. Unfortunately for Kelsey, her upper-class lifestyle was derailed when she insisted her child not be breastfed, but raised on almond milk.Continue reading “Florida Woman Goes Broke Raising Infant Son on Almond Milk”

Twitter Files for Bankruptcy After Banning Angry People

Twitter, once worth $40 billion, is now filing for bankruptcy, CEO Jack Dorsey has announced. The move comes just months after the company instituted a no tolerance policy on anger, banning any user who “exhibits or contributes to anger or vitriol.” Down to just six users, Twitter has seen the steepest decline in engagement sinceContinue reading “Twitter Files for Bankruptcy After Banning Angry People”

Guy With Computer Eager to Destroy Celebrity’s Life

Reading over the apologies from celebrities like Kevin Hart, Nick Cannon, and Shane Gillis, Jacksonville, Florida resident Doug Robertson couldn’t help but feel inspired. The proud owner of a brand new Lenovo laptop, Robertson grinned from ear to ear, explaining that “this is the moment.. This is my time to finally make a difference inContinue reading “Guy With Computer Eager to Destroy Celebrity’s Life”

Barry Bonds Eyeing Comeback to Gain More HOF Eligibility – Dodgers Showing Interest

The Los Angeles Dodgers are reportedly interested in newly found free agent, Barry Bonds. Bonds, who last played in 2007 with the rival Giants, is seeking extended eligibly for the Hall of Fame after becoming frustrated with voters. “It’s ludicrous” says Bonds. “These guys don’t care about how good of a ballplayer you were. TheyContinue reading “Barry Bonds Eyeing Comeback to Gain More HOF Eligibility – Dodgers Showing Interest”

Man With Truck and American Flag Named Country’s Most Patriotic

A Tulsa, Oklahoma man has been named the country’s most patriotic citizen by the National Census Bureau. Every year, the Bureau conducts a thorough and widespread survey to come up with twenty-five finalists for their national competition in a normally intense jostle for patriotic superiority. This year, however, the winner was clear from the start.Continue reading “Man With Truck and American Flag Named Country’s Most Patriotic”