Hibernating Demon Bursts Out of Texas Pipe, Killing Five

As Texas residents continue to scramble for warmth and water amidst an unprecedented winter storm, a new and perhaps more frightening danger looms over the state. Just minutes before sunrise, the Gomez family of Waco, Texas was awakened to what was described by neighboring residents as “a soul-piercing screech from hell.” “I was just doingContinue reading “Hibernating Demon Bursts Out of Texas Pipe, Killing Five”

8-Year-Old Boy Traded to Neighboring House Minutes Before MLB Trade Deadline

The rumors have been swirling around the Miller’s for weeks. After three months of lackluster societal contribution from the family, many expected the Miller’s to be major sellers at the deadline, but nobody expected this. Last night, the family sent their ten-year-old German Shepard, Rocky, to the Rodriguez household for a two-year-old fish tank in nearContinue reading “8-Year-Old Boy Traded to Neighboring House Minutes Before MLB Trade Deadline”

Giant Squid Found in McDonalds Happy Meal

A 35-foot giant squid has been found in the happy meal of an unsuspecting McDonalds customer in Southern California. The five year-old boy, Jameson Joom, asked his mother if they could go to McDonalds after his first day of kindergarten, and she obliged. When the two pulled into the drive-thru, Jessica Joom ordered her sonContinue reading “Giant Squid Found in McDonalds Happy Meal”

Canadian Woman Finds Out She’s Actually Mexican

From the moment we’re born, the world presents us with an identity. As we grow up, we embark on an everlasting search for what that identity is. We put together bits and pieces, we learn and we grow, we mold and transform. We develop a better understanding of who we really are. Most of us,Continue reading “Canadian Woman Finds Out She’s Actually Mexican”

MLB to Shorten Games to Five Minutes

In a drastic move to make the game more appealing to a wider audience, Major League Baseball has announced a series of new rules. Most notable among these new regulations is a rule requiring that games be finished in under five minutes time. Commissioner Manfred was kind enough to give us his thoughts on theContinue reading “MLB to Shorten Games to Five Minutes”

Antonio Brown to Decide Where Raiders Play Next Year

Where the Oakland Raiders would play their home games for the 2019 season had long been a question. A question that was finally answered when they agreed to play at Oracle Park in San Francisco. The decision was assumed to be final. Sometimes, however, things happen. This time, that thing is Antonio Brown. In additionContinue reading “Antonio Brown to Decide Where Raiders Play Next Year”

Colorado Man Forgets Why He’s in Garage

A Colorado man has announced he can’t remember why he went into his garage. Dave Dreefglom, a husband, father of four, and a mechanical engineer, described the horrific event to us this morning. “Oh, man. It was brutal. It’s still difficult. It’s still difficult for me to talk about. It was umm… well it wasContinue reading “Colorado Man Forgets Why He’s in Garage”

Government to Crack Down on “Student of the Month” Stickers

President Trump has issued an executive order imposing harsher regulations on the distribution of “Student of the Month” stickers in elementary schools after many citizens claim to be seeing them everywhere. One of those citizens is Windsor, California resident Doov Stime. “It’s ridiculous. Everywhere I go, I see “My child is student of the monthContinue reading “Government to Crack Down on “Student of the Month” Stickers”

Dog Forgets Man in Car on Hot Summer Day

An eighty-pound Labrador retriever from Milwaukee, Wisconsin has been charged for locking his owner in the back seat of his Ford Explorer with the windows up on a 95 degree summer day with 80% humidity and a 4 mph breeze coming from the Northeast. The retriever, known to the locals as Ruff Ruff Roo Roo,Continue reading “Dog Forgets Man in Car on Hot Summer Day”

Tallahassee Man Discovers Birth Mark, Tells Everyone He Has Cancer

Tallahassee native Greg Goob has announced on Facebook that he has cancer after discovering a small mark on his back that has been there forever but he only just noticed. In a cryptic and startling post, Greg simply wrote as his status: “I have cancer.” We asked Greg for his thoughts on his supposed cancer.Continue reading “Tallahassee Man Discovers Birth Mark, Tells Everyone He Has Cancer”