Jussie Smollett Doubles Down, Says He Was Also Attacked by Group of Racist Pandas

Just days after new insights have suggested Jussie Smollett may have orchestrated his own hate crime, the ‘Empire’ actor is revealing yet another alleged attack.

“I just want to say that this is all really terrible. It’s terrible this first attack happened to me. It’s terrible people don’t believe me. They’re terrible. Everything is terrible. Everyone is terrible. Except for me. I’m not terrible. I’m a victim. I’m a victim of this attack, and well… I haven’t said this before, but I’m a victim of another attack as well. I’ve never told anyone about this and… gosh this is really hard for me, but… about a year ago… I was attacked by a group of racist pandas. I was walking in the park and three pandas swung down from an overhanging tree and put a bag over my head. They started screaming “Skin boy!” and “House Dweller!” They clawed at my chest and tightened the bag. I could hardly breathe. When they took it off, I noticed they were wearing “Bamboo or Die” hats, and as they waddled away, they turned back at me and yelled “This is Bamboo country!”

We went to Twitter to see what the American people thought of the recent developments in the Smollett case. Righty McWhity wasn’t holding back, writing a scathing takedown of Smollett and the American Left. “Hahahaha, this guy is so full of shit, just like the rest of the leftists in this country! You can’t believe a single thing any of these people say! Fake news! Next time anyone claims they’ve been the victim of a hate crime, I’m going to forcefully remind them of this particular scenario to demonstrate that the left is always stupid and nobody is a victim. Go to work, snowflakes!”

Lefty Mynoritay had a different take on the issue. “The alt-right’s reaction to this is so upsetting. Just because one person may have staged an attack doesn’t mean we shouldn’t #believevictims. I still stand with Jussie. As a member of the LGBTQ+#$^^&**@!?><;{}\LMNOP%’”|/( community, we stand together. We all make mistakes. We love you, Jussie. Love will conquer all. Fuck conservatives.”

Prominent Twitter user Creetical Theenk weighed in on the issue as well. “I think this whole situation is unfortunate. It’s unfortunate for people who are actually victims of hate crimes and discrimination. They’re hurt the most by this if the attack was indeed proven to be staged. The last thing you want is people to be overly dismissive of serious accusations. We also see the danger of blindly accepting something to be true in order to further a political agenda. I think we should try and reserve judgement until all of the facts come out.”

Mr. Theenk was murdered immediately after releasing this tweet. May he rest in peace.

Woman Forgets to Lock Door, is Murdered Immediately

Larissa Fisterson always made sure to lock the door. When her husband went to work every day, she would lock the door behind him as soon as he left. She double checked the door before going to sleep every night. She even locked the door when she went to get her mail.

On February 13, 2019, Larissa had a lapse in concentration. When her husband went out the front door and off to work as usual, Larissa was in the bathroom. She figured she could finish up, then go lock the front door. She was wrong.

As she opened the bathroom door, she noticed a man standing in front of her with a large axe. Before she could even let out a scream, the axe had pierced her skull, killing her immediately. There was blood everywhere. Her nightmare had become a reality.

Unlocked doors are the leading cause of death in the United States, outnumbering cancer, car crashes, drugs, the DMV, and double stuffed Oreos… combined. It’s estimated there are on average, six men outside your house at any given time, waiting to murder you with an axe. Leaving the door unlocked for just a second can be devastating.

The National Door Lockers Association of America (NDLAA) has recommended everyone invest in auto-locking door technology to alleviate the worries of getting murdered by a man with an axe. This technology will automatically lock the door every time you leave the house, and uses rectal scanning software to safely identify you and your loved ones for safe entry into your home. Remember, you can never be too careful.

Matt Kuchar Wins $6 Million Prize, Pays Caddy Seventeen Cents

Professional golfer Matt Kuchar is receiving backlash after some believe he stiffed a caddy. Kuchar showed up to the South Antarctican Classic without his regular caddy, John Wood, and agreed to have club caddy Spiral Freeze carry his bag for the week.

Kuchar says the two had an agreement before the tournament began.

“We agreed on a price for Spiral’s work before the start of the tournament. I told him I would pay him fifteen cents, and he said that would be great, with a smile on his face. That was the end of the discussion. That was it. When I ended up winning the tournament and taking home six million dollars, I was feeling generous, so I gave him seventeen cents, two more cents than we agreed upon. Again, he was delighted.”

A few days later, after family and friends of Mr. Freeze suggested he try and guilt trip Kuchar into giving him more money after the fact, Freeze reached out to Kuchar’s agent.

“I am a humble man, who takes care of his family, and works hard. I am reaching out to you because some people told me I could probably get some more money out of this. I don’t want to start anything or ruin your client’s reputation, but I would like some more money. I feel like he took advantage of me. I trusted him.”

Kuchar eventually offered Freeze an additional fifteen cents, but Freeze declined. He remained adamant that he should receive a dollar, which is what he placed the value of his work at after the fact because that’s what his friends and family told him he should try and get. Usually caddies receive 5% of a player’s winnings, which would amount to $300,000. Freeze, however, trusted his friends and family, who told him “I bet you could get a dollar out of him.”

Freeze, a former law school student who prides himself on his obviously impeccable negotiating skills, was shocked when Kuchar didn’t pay up the dollar.

“It’s just so unfair. I deserve that dollar. I’ve decided that’s what I deserve, and he owes it to me.”

Liam Neeson Reveals He Thought About Bestiality, Too

Just days after Liam Neeson admitted to having murderous thoughts about black people, the 66 year old actor (best known for his role in the “Taken” series) has revealed to 70 Minutes that he once thought about “fucking a horse like something vicious.”

In the extensive interview, Neeson was candid about his experience with oversharing. “You know, since being honest about my demons went over so well for me the first time, I figured the more I share the better. So here it is. One time, and this is hard for me to say, well… one time I thought about fucking a horse like something vicious. I saw it over the fence on my evening walk with its flowing mane, and I just thought to myself, ‘man… I’ve got to fuck that horse.’ I didn’t do it. Nothing ended up happening, but I walked around that farm for a couple of weeks with two Viagra in my hand. I was ready to fuck the first horse that jumped over that fence. I was ready to do it.”

We asked Twitter fanatic Gertrude Gunderson about her thoughts on the latest Neeson revelation. “He’s a rapist and a horse fucker. Absolutely abhorrent that anyone could ever think such a thing. Think about how a horse might feel reading this. How would you feel if you were a horse and you read this? I’ll never see one of his movies ever again. I hope Hollywood does the right thing and sets an example for people like him by never allowing him to work again.”

Fellow Twitter maniac Hun Hun Shoo had a different take. “You know, I think this is really great. Neeson is a hero in my book. He’s opened the door for people all across the world to reveal their dark tales of blasting a horse into oblivion. Shoot, I thought about it just last night. Come to think of it, I feel the urge coming on as we speak. You know of any farms around here?”

Florida Woman Goes Broke Raising Infant Son on Almond Milk

Kelsey Douglass had it all. A loving husband, a three story house, a stable income, and a beautiful young boy on the way. She was happy, full of life, and optimistic about her future. Unfortunately for Kelsey, her upper-class lifestyle was derailed when she insisted her child not be breastfed, but raised on almond milk.

“I just wanted him to be healthy,” said Kelsey. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

Mrs. Douglass isn’t the only one to face the harsh consequences of this striking new trend. Thousands of Americans across the country have lost everything in the pursuit of an organic child. The increase in demand has only made things worse for these mothers, fathers, and children. The price of one gallon of organic almond milk has risen from $6 to $13,000 over the past year.

Many, like Mrs. Douglass, remain hopeful. “I’m getting priced out, I know. I know. But I’ll do whatever it takes to protect my baby from an inorganic lifestyle. If we have to live on the streets, if I have to beg, it doesn’t matter. Billy is gonna get his almond milk.”

Some have even gone to more extreme lengths. Just last month, a woman in Arkansas was murdered in cold blood over a spoonful of almond milk. It was the third almond milk related death in the state this year.

Grocery stores are taking precautions to protect themselves and their customers. Almost all stores have now placed almond milk under lock and key in the razor section. Walmart has the beverage in the gaming section, right behind Grand Theft Auto 6.

On the same note, others are taking advantage of the rise in demand. EA has just announced they’ll be releasing a new game, Grand Theft Almond Milk, in October of 2019. The RPG spectacular will feature a character who must steal enough almond milk to raise their child. The incredibly challenging game will reward the players who go to the greatest lengths to raise a strong, organic child.

Ultimately, the future for organic families isn’t looking too bright. Experts project the price of almond milk to continue rising. Economist Doug Spleeg gave his insight on the issue: “The price of almond milk seems to be growing exponentially, and that trend will likely continue until we have exhausted ourselves of all the almond milk available. People don’t realize how many almonds it takes to produce a gallon of almond milk. I mean, did you even notice there was milk in almonds before? Exactly.”

Twitter Files for Bankruptcy After Banning Angry People

Twitter, once worth $40 billion, is now filing for bankruptcy, CEO Jack Dorsey has announced. The move comes just months after the company instituted a no tolerance policy on anger, banning any user who “exhibits or contributes to anger or vitriol.”

Down to just six users, Twitter has seen the steepest decline in engagement since Myspace suddenly became irrelevant when everyone went to high school. Dorsey is standing by his decision to implement the anti-anger policy. “Sometimes you just have to do what’s right, even if it destroys your business and your life. I’ll figure something out.”

Many have gone to the rising new social media site FuckYouMotherfucker to express their displeasure. Marcus Jeffries writes “Twitter used to be cool. I used to be able to log on every morning, find the first person who disagrees with me and call them a cunt munching bag of onion dust. I had fifty-thousand followers. People told me I was great. I’m nothing now. I have to start all over.”

Others, like Sarah Masterson, are taking advantage of the fresh start. “It’s great. I’m stoked to be on FuckYouMotherfucker before it gets huge. I’ve already got eight-thousand followers and as long as I keep telling people to choke on their own dicks and die, I think a lot of opportunities could open up for me. “

CBS Reveals Ban on Humor in Super Bowl Ads

Two days after the New England Patriots defeated the Los Angeles Rams in Super Bowl LIII, CBS has announced they placed a ban on humor prior to accepting any advertisements.

An unnamed executive spoke about the issue on behalf of CBS. The executive, who literally does not have a name, said “We just wanted to be safe, you know. You can never be too careful. We realized that in order for something to be funny, it has to make fun of something, be true, or go against the status quo. And at CBS, we just aren’t about any of that. We almost didn’t run that Washington Post ad because we were informed some people aren’t comfortable with the letter “P.” We informed the Washington Post about this issue, but they said they would pay us ten million dollars, so we ended up accepting their ad.”

We asked viewers what they thought of the ban on humor. Harry Masterson, from somewhere in New Mexico, gave us this response: “I thought it was really great. Since the game was so boring, I think the ban on humor worked really well to accentuate that theme throughout the viewing experience.”

Kelly James was also supportive: “Oh I thought it was wonderful. I was really worried I might see something that would cause me to have a reaction. I watch the Super Bowl so I can eat chips and salsa, not laugh.”

Marcus Johnson was not only supportive, but eternally grateful for CBS. “This was just wonderful of CBS to do this. Two years ago, I was eating a chicken wing and saw that Doritos commercial, and the bone went straight down my throat. I had to be rushed to the hospital and they ended up having to pull the bone out through my eye. It was gruesome. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. For CBS to ban humor to protect their viewers is more of what we need in this country. Thank you CBS. Thank you for looking out for me.”

Guy With Computer Eager to Destroy Celebrity’s Life

Doug Robertson always wanted to be a famous musician. An avid lover of the guitar and a huge Beatles fan, Doug was certain his day would come. Unfortunately, like so many others, Doug’s dream never quite materialized, and he now works at a smoke shop downtown. We asked Doug’s father how he feels about his son’s path in life. “I’m disappointed. Very disappointed,” said the 58 year old hedge fund manager.

Doug’s mother, a schoolteacher, was seemingly supportive but ultimately passive aggressive. “You know, whatever Doug wants to do, I’ll always support him. Do I wish he chose to do something more meaningful? Of course, but he’ll always be my little Dougie, and I’ll always love him.”

We asked Doug how he felt about his own future, and he was surprisingly hopeful. “You know, I actually just bought a new computer, which is very exciting. I never had my own before because I wanted to remain connected with the natural world, you know? But now that I have one, I have come to understand my true calling. All this time I thought I was a musician, but I’ve realized my purpose on this earth is to ruin the lives of people who are actually successful. When they found Kevin Hart’s tweets from ten years ago, I almost felt like it was me who found them. And it could have been. I was close. I was so close. My time is coming, though. It’s only a matter of time.”

Barry Bonds Eyeing Comeback to Gain More HOF Eligibility – Dodgers Showing Interest

The Los Angeles Dodgers are reportedly interested in newly found free agent, Barry Bonds. Bonds, who last played in 2007 with the rival Giants, is seeking extended eligibly for the Hall of Fame after becoming frustrated with voters.

“It’s ludicrous” says Bonds. “These guys don’t care about how good of a ballplayer you were. They voted Harold Baines in for Christ sake. Harold fucking Baines. Did you know Harold Baines never even hit thirty home runs in a single season? And he was a designated hitter!”

When asked about his chances of getting into the hall someday, Bonds seemed hopeful. “I think if I just keep playing until most of these voters die, the new ones will vote me in. I’ve spoken with Jamie Moyer and Julio Franco, and they’ve been very helpful and supportive. Plus, by the time I’m 60 I should have at least one thousand home runs. Then they’ll have to vote me in.”

The challenge for Bonds will be finding a team willing to give him a shot. Fortunately, the Dodgers have already been expressing interest. The back-to-back National League Pennant winners have also expressed interest this offseason in Bryce Harper, Manny Machado, J.T. Realmuto, Bartolo Colon, Pete Rose, AA home run king Charlie Chester, the unborn son of Mike Trout, and a literal fish.

“We’re in on everyone,” says Andrew Friedman, President of baseball operations for the Dodgers. “If we think they can help us win, we have to entertain those options.”

Friedman was open-minded about where Bonds may play in the field. “He’ll give us another option, whether it be in the outfield, at first base, or off the bench. We like to have as many options as we can. If we have to play six outfielders and two infielders, that’s what we’ll do. We’ve entertained the prospect of playing without a catcher this season as well, so that’s certainly a possibility.”

When asked if playing for the Dodgers would be a difficult change, Bonds replied: “as long as I get to keep hitting dingers and get into the hall, I don’t really give a fuck.”

 

Man With Truck and American Flag Named Country’s Most Patriotic

A Tulsa, Oklahoma man has been named the country’s most patriotic citizen by the National Census Bureau. Every year, the Bureau conducts a thorough and widespread survey to come up with twenty-five finalists for their national competition in a normally intense jostle for patriotic superiority. This year, however, the winner was clear from the start.

Bureau Chairman Brian Montez weighed in: “Usually, there’s fierce competition for this prestigious honor, where the board and judges are often faced with extremely difficult decisions. Every once in a while, however, somebody is just head and heels above the competition; and that was the case this year, when we found Kyle. Kyle sent us a picture of his lifted truck with a six foot American flag flying on top of it, and we just knew.”

“I felt his love for America from here,” said competition judge Laura Franklin, who resides in New York.

Even the ultra-harsh Massachusetts judge was complimentary. “You know, I thought I loved America, and then I saw Kyle. The mud on his truck. The large wheels, manufactured right here in America. The tinted windows. And of course, the flag. I had never seen such a glorious combination of gratitude and love for one’s country.”

Runner-up finisher David Dominquez was humbled to even be in the company of somebody like Kyle. “It’s crazy. My mother always told me to just do my best and be grateful I live in such a wonderful country. I took her advice to heart. Teaching American history to underprivileged youth, holding fundraisers to keep the Museum of American History afloat, going abroad to speak about representative democracy, these were all things I knew would make my mother and my country proud. To even be compared to somebody like Kyle is truly something I never could have even dreamed of.”