8-Year-Old Boy Traded to Neighboring House Minutes Before MLB Trade Deadline

The rumors have been swirling around the Miller’s for weeks. After three months of lackluster societal contribution from the family, many expected the Miller’s to be major sellers at the deadline, but nobody expected this. Last night, the family sent their ten-year-old German Shepard, Rocky, to the Rodriguez household for a two-year-old fish tank in near mint condition. The move was to be expected, with Rocky’s strong start to the year and his contract with life nearing an end.

This morning, the Miller family struck a deal with the Lin’s for the mother of the household, Sandra Miller, who maintains multiple years of marital control. Although Mrs. Miller was having a down year, the Lin’s are confident they can turn her into a force to be reckoned with. The Lin family has a tradition of turning burnt-out mothers into prolific all-around contributors late in their careers. After acquiring 46-year-old Kelsey Daniels from the Goldberg’s in a three-family deal two years ago, the Lin family has turned the formerly useless piece of couch adhesive into one of the foremost leaders in the field of genetic engineering. The Miller family will receive a child to be named later from the Lin’s.

The move was, again, not unexpected, as many believed a change of scenery might be best for Mrs. Miller and the Miller family.

As the deadline neared at 4 p.m. Eastern time this afternoon, many in the industry expected the Miller’s to be busy fielding calls for their star contributor, 16-year-old Larissa, who would certainly be shipped for younger, more controllable pieces. Instead, the Millers seem to have nixed their plans for a supposed rebuild in the hopes of making a run at familial honor in the next two years. Jefferson Family Manager Rod Pickert said, of the scenario: “I’m surprised. Very surprised. Everyone expected the Millers to be major sellers this year and start over, but it looks like they’re gonna make one more run at it around Larissa. Everyone knows she’s going to be gone in two years. It’s common knowledge she doesn’t get along with her mother and hates her home town. But who knows, I heard they decided to send Mrs. Miller to the Lin’s, so maybe things turn around for them.”

Much like Mr. Pickert, many in the industry thought Larissa would be the major piece moving away from the Miller’s at the deadline. When it turned out to be eight-year-old brother, Kyle, shock waves were sent through the community. Just minutes before the deadline passed, Ken Daisyballs reported the eight-year-old boy had been traded to the neighboring Robinson’s for 52-year-old Uncle Frank Lancaster, 44-year-old Auntie Barb, and first round positioning in next year’s sperm bank draft.

On the surface, the move seems to make little sense. The Miller family gets older and receives an uncertain first-round sperm selection while sending away their top prospect, a kid who made the ten-year-old’s all-star team at age eight and has shown promising results on his multiplication tables. Nobody knows what the future holds for the Millers, but something needed to change; and boy did something change.

Canadian Woman Finds Out She’s Actually Mexican

From the moment we’re born, the world presents us with an identity. As we grow up, we embark on an everlasting search for what that identity is. We put together bits and pieces, we learn and we grow, we mold and transform. We develop a better understanding of who we really are. Most of us, at least. Some of us wander around aimlessly, waiting for something else to define us.

One of these particularly clueless individuals is Canadian pre-school teacher Jessica Smith. Mrs. Smith, or as she’s known to her students, “Yay!” has lived in Alberta her entire life, and has become a model citizen for everything Canadian. When she saw an ad for Ancestry.com, she became curious about just how Canadian she actually is. What followed was an unexpected turn of events that would change Mrs. Smith’s life forever.

“So, I saw the ad pop up on my computer one morning when I was reading an article about bullying, and it really caught my attention. I was always curious about my heritage. I mean, I knew I was Canadian, but how Canadian was I, exactly? It was a question I just had to have answered. When the results came in, I couldn’t have been more excited. This was the moment I would finally understand my true identity. When I started reading the results, though, I was a bit surprised. It turns out that I’m not Canadian at all. I’m 100% Mexican. It was a bit of a shock. Being Canadian was everything to me. But now I’m Mexican, and being Mexican is everything to me.”

MLB to Shorten Games to Five Minutes

In a drastic move to make the game more appealing to a wider audience, Major League Baseball has announced a series of new rules. Most notable among these new regulations is a rule requiring that games be finished in under five minutes time. Commissioner Manfred was kind enough to give us his thoughts on the new regulations.

“Well, as you know, we’ve been trying to shorten the length of games for some time now. In the past, we figured people who never liked baseball would all of a sudden like baseball if the games were two hours and forty-five minutes instead of three, but we were wrong. We didn’t go far enough. We didn’t take into account who these people are, and where there attention lies. After some research, we came to understand that most people can only pay attention to something for a few minutes. The average YouTube video is about four minutes, which was really key for us to understand. That’s the hit zone. That’s our audience. All of these people who are watching cat videos and prankster videos, we think we can get them to watch baseball.”

In order to accommodate the five minute rule, MLB has decided to just eliminate the pitcher entirely. There will now be a machine set up on the mound which will pump heaters in at 150 mph. Each team will send one batter up at a time, who will get one swing to try and park one. The teams will alternate swings until a dinger has been launched. If no dinger is launched at the end of five minutes, the game will end in a tie and both teams will play a friendly game of scrabble around third base, which will be streamed live on Twitch.

Antonio Brown to Decide Where Raiders Play Next Year

Where the Oakland Raiders would play their home games for the 2019 season had long been a question. A question that was finally answered when they agreed to play at Oracle Park in San Francisco. The decision was assumed to be final. Sometimes, however, things happen. This time, that thing is Antonio Brown.

In addition to a pay raise, a twenty-five foot golden statue, his own personal locker room, stadium rights, and six-weeks paid vacation, Antonio Brown’s new contract with the Raiders gives the star wide receiver the power to decide where the team plays their home games. It’s to be determined where exactly that will be, but Brown has dropped some hints on his Twitter handle.

“Tel Aviv sure is nice!”

“Looking for houses in Barcelona today!”

“Could get used to Ft. Lauderdale.”

“I’ve always been fascinated by Asian culture. Future home, perhaps?”

Much is still up in the air for the Raiders this season. One thing is for certain, though. Antonio Brown will be getting the football.

“I didn’t tell anyone this, but there are some other details to the contract. One of those details is that Derek Carr must throw me the ball at least twelve times a game. If he doesn’t, I have to be traded immediately, and I get to decide where. Imma get that ball in my hands, boy. Yeahhhhh.”

Colorado Man Forgets Why He’s in Garage

A Colorado man has announced he can’t remember why he went into his garage. Dave Dreefglom, a husband, father of four, and a mechanical engineer, described the horrific event to us this morning.

“Oh, man. It was brutal. It’s still difficult. It’s still difficult for me to talk about. It was umm… well it was just a regular old Sunday afternoon, you know. I was doing a few things around the house, I had the golf on. The kids had some friends over, they were running all around the house. I was in the kitchen, and I found myself wandering towards the garage. I know I needed to go in there for something, I know it. There was a reason I went to the garage, but when I got out there, I just found myself standing by the fridge looking around aimlessly. I couldn’t remember why I was there. I tried to remember why I went out there, but… man this is tough. I… I just couldn’t remember. I just couldn’t remember.”

Mr. Dreefglom isn’t the only one to experience the tragedy of garage dysphoria. It’s estimated that 400 people per day seize to remember why they went into the garage, staring blankly at the ground asking, “Why? Why am I here?” Luckily, there is hope. We can fight this terrible terrible condition if we come together. The WTFWID (What the Fuck Was I Doing) Collective is offering free membership all week to anyone who has experienced garage dysphoria. The organization provides tools and support to help people remember why it is they went into the garage in the first goddam place. This include pens and notepads, recording devices, and a 24-hour delirium hot line.

Remember. There is hope, and you’re not alone.

Government to Crack Down on “Student of the Month” Stickers

President Trump has issued an executive order imposing harsher regulations on the distribution of “Student of the Month” stickers in elementary schools after many citizens claim to be seeing them everywhere. One of those citizens is Windsor, California resident Doov Stime.

“It’s ridiculous. Everywhere I go, I see “My child is student of the month at Windsor Creek” stickers. These kids are only in school for nine months out of the year and somehow I’m seeing over one hundred stickers around town. They’ve become meaningless. If everyone is student of the month, then no one is. I mean, what, do they just hand them out at the front desk to anyone who wants one? There’s no accountability here. These people are perpetuating a lie. If they said “my child is one of the thirty students of the month” I would be okay with it. Or if they said “my child goes to Windsor Creek and got a B in third grade arithmetic and I’m super proud and want to be recognized for how great of a job I’ve done raising a child.” That would be fine, because at least it would be honest. Granted, it’s a pretty long bumper sticker, but at least it’s not a lie.”

Mr. Stime is one of the ten thousand parents who marched to the White House after their children did not receive student of the month honors while seemingly everyone else’s did. The grassroots movement was one that simply couldn’t be ignored.

President Trump gave his brief thoughts on the newly issued executive order. “This is great. This is really great. It’s gonna be great. We’ve had a lot of people pushing for this. A lot of people. These are great people, and they want their children to be honored fairly. And can you blame them? Can you blame them?”

The executive order will require that all elementary schools in the United States only issue one “Student of the Month” award per month and print a maximum of ten bumper stickers per calendar year. The restrictions will be heavily enforced by the National Guard, and any violation will result in a loss of government funding for the school.

United States Wins $500 Trillion in World Lottery

The wait is finally over. After 2,000 years, the World Lottery announced the United States has correctly filled out all five hundred numbers, taking home the grand prize of $500 trillion. This is by far the largest prize in the history of the World Lottery, dramatically outdoing the $750 billion won by Senegal when it filled out 436 of the 500 correct numbers in 1974 and immediately spent it all on a really cool boat.

We asked the United States what it plans to do with the prize money. “Well, as you may know, we’ve got about $22 trillion in debt, so we’ll definitely be paying some of that off. We’re thinking of knocking a thousand dollars off that right away, and I think that’ll provide us with a lot of relief. More exciting, however, is the opportunity to invest in some of the amazing technology that’s out there, particularly some of the military technology. We heard there’s a new prototype for a jet that runs entirely on Dr. Pepper, which would be huge. There’s also a sweet new tank that turns into a submarine on voice command that we’re really excited to mess around with. Ooh and they’ve got these drones now that look exactly like crows. It’s crazy. We’re thinking of buying about ten thousand of those and flying them into North Korea during migration season. Do crows migrate? Who cares, it’s gonna be really cool.”

Academy Tries to be Socially Conscious, Still Enrages Audience

Eager to finally please a progressive audience, the Academy Awards seemed destined to attain their goal. However, as Catherine Shoard (from the Guardian) writes (real quote) “Finally, they looked in step and progressive… And then Green Book took best picture.” She details the horrors of a Green Book victory in more detail below.

(real quote) “The presenters were also conspicuously diverse, with 29 of the 52 non-white. In a year that saw landmark victories for black women in technical categories, the Academy was making an obvious but admirable bid to give airtime to people of colour. It worked. Finally, they looked in step and progressive… And then Green Book took best picture… to award a movie whose take on race relations seems more suited to its 60s setting than 2019 was an extraordinary final-reel slap in the face from this hitherto impeccable ceremony. More than that, it undid all the efforts that had come before.”

Like many progressive viewers, Shoard was counting exactly how many people walked onto the stage, separating them by their race. She created a spreadsheet, marking down each individual and categorizing them according to their race to prove the Academy categorizes people based on race.  When she counted up her numbers, she was satisfied. That was until Green Book won for best picture, bringing to the stage way too many white guys, ruining the statistics and destroying the night. But most importantly, destroying progress.

As Jason O. Gilbert writes, (real quote) “Green Book is an inspirational tale of how we can end racism if everyone, regardless of background, just works together. So please welcome the stage the producers of Green Book: 1000 white guys who were all born in 1961″

Many others shared the tolerant and definitely not racist behavior that progressives are widely known for.

(real quote) “I wish folks would stop jumping in Black people’s mentions Whitesplaining how we should feel about Green Book. Y’all are annoying af. Go be productive and instead educate yourselves on Victor Hugo Green and the REAL history of Green Book travel book.” – Rebecca Theodore-Vachon

(real quote) “Soooo, let’s just be absolutely clear: “Green Book” was definitely not the Best Picture of the year, but it was certainly the most comforting movie for fragile white people who need that sort of thing in our Era of Trump.” – Charlotte Clymer

(real quote) “Green Book? More like the White Pages” – Ira

It was an almost for the Academy. They picked the right kind of movie, but the wrong movie. As Academy Director Shmike Shmoon told us “We thought we did it right. We didn’t realize this movie was directed by a white man with the help of other white men. We didn’t even consider it. Next year, we’ll be sure it’s the first thing we look at.”

Tallahassee Man Discovers Birth Mark, Tells Everyone He Has Cancer

Tallahassee native Greg Goob has announced on Facebook that he has cancer after discovering a small mark on his back that has been there forever but he only just noticed. In a cryptic and startling post, Greg simply wrote as his status: “I have cancer.”

We asked Greg for his thoughts on his supposed cancer. “I’ve been waiting for a moment like this. Nobody ever paid much attention to me. Now they have to, because I have cancer. Hopefully it kills me, that way I can be the guy who died. Then they’ll really have to pay attention to me. Everyone will be saying, “Did you hear about Greg? He died. He died of cancer.”

We got in touch with a few of Greg’s Facebook friends to ask them if they had indeed heard about Greg.

Peter Flink was the first to write us back. “Yes, I saw Greg’s status yesterday and am very saddened by the news. I never knew Greg well, we just went to high school together. I don’t remember much about him other than he was pretty decent at tennis, apparently. It’s hard to believe someone you hardly knew existed could wind up having cancer. It’s been hard on me for sure. It’s been hard on my family. We’ve all been suffering right along with Greg. We’re sending him our thoughts and prayers, and we’re confident he’ll fight this.”

To support Greg, you can visit his GoFundMe at IhaveCancerIhaveCancer.gofundme.com.

Starbucks Outbreak Kills Five

An outbreak of Starbucks construction has resulted in the death of five Los Angeles residents, the highest total in over a year. Reporter Megan Bleem was there to describe the horrific scene.

“I watched it all unfold right in front of me. I was just sitting on the outside patio of the Starbucks on the east side of Franklin Street enjoying my grande white mocha with no whip cream when a man walked out of the Starbucks across the street and wandered over to the open lot right beside it. He was just looking around, curious, you know. Then he took notice of the sign, which explained the lot was grounds for a new Starbucks. I think he knew danger was imminent at this point. He started looking around wearily, but it was too late. A crane immediately dropped two tons of foundation right on top of him. There was a family of four standing in the parking lot, shocked at what they had just seen. Stuck in their tracks from the sheer horror, they were unfortunately caught in the delivery crossfire, pelted to death by sugar packets and straws.”

This is the sixth incident of Starbucks related deaths in Los Angeles this year, and the deadliest in 15 months, since the infamous Macchiato Massacre, when thirty-five residents drowned after the cap came loose on a quintuple shot venti caramel macchiato.