Jussie Smollett Doubles Down, Says He Was Also Attacked by Group of Racist Pandas

Just days after new insights have suggested Jussie Smollett may have orchestrated his own hate crime, the ‘Empire’ actor is revealing yet another alleged attack.

“I just want to say that this is all really terrible. It’s terrible this first attack happened to me. It’s terrible people don’t believe me. They’re terrible. Everything is terrible. Everyone is terrible. Except for me. I’m not terrible. I’m a victim. I’m a victim of this attack, and well… I haven’t said this before, but I’m a victim of another attack as well. I’ve never told anyone about this and… gosh this is really hard for me, but… about a year ago… I was attacked by a group of racist pandas. I was walking in the park and three pandas swung down from an overhanging tree and put a bag over my head. They started screaming “Skin boy!” and “House Dweller!” They clawed at my chest and tightened the bag. I could hardly breathe. When they took it off, I noticed they were wearing “Bamboo or Die” hats, and as they waddled away, they turned back at me and yelled “This is Bamboo country!”

We went to Twitter to see what the American people thought of the recent developments in the Smollett case. Righty McWhity wasn’t holding back, writing a scathing takedown of Smollett and the American Left. “Hahahaha, this guy is so full of shit, just like the rest of the leftists in this country! You can’t believe a single thing any of these people say! Fake news! Next time anyone claims they’ve been the victim of a hate crime, I’m going to forcefully remind them of this particular scenario to demonstrate that the left is always stupid and nobody is a victim. Go to work, snowflakes!”

Lefty Mynoritay had a different take on the issue. “The alt-right’s reaction to this is so upsetting. Just because one person may have staged an attack doesn’t mean we shouldn’t #believevictims. I still stand with Jussie. As a member of the LGBTQ+#$^^&**@!?><;{}\LMNOP%’”|/( community, we stand together. We all make mistakes. We love you, Jussie. Love will conquer all. Fuck conservatives.”

Prominent Twitter user Creetical Theenk weighed in on the issue as well. “I think this whole situation is unfortunate. It’s unfortunate for people who are actually victims of hate crimes and discrimination. They’re hurt the most by this if the attack was indeed proven to be staged. The last thing you want is people to be overly dismissive of serious accusations. We also see the danger of blindly accepting something to be true in order to further a political agenda. I think we should try and reserve judgement until all of the facts come out.”

Mr. Theenk was murdered immediately after releasing this tweet. May he rest in peace.

Woman Forgets to Lock Door, is Murdered Immediately

Like many Americans, Larissa Fisterson always makes sure to lock the door. Every day, when her husband leaves for work each morning, Mrs. Fisterson begins the locking process by simply turning the key lock, as any reasonable citizen would do. Mrs. Fisterson has taken extra precautions, however, installing a custom series of deadbolts just days after her cousin Erica was slaughtered by a man with a machete waiting in her rose bush.

Each deadbolt is carefully crafted to lock six feet into the drywall, running through the full width of the door and the frame. Mrs. Fisterson declined to comment on exactly how much the Fisterson couple had spent on such a robust locking system, simply telling us “there’s no price on still having your head attached to your body.”

Sadly, even the most careful among us are not immune to an axe murderer waiting outside our door. On August 9th, 2020, Mrs. Fisterson had one too many gin and tonics and forgot to fully twist the lowest 15-foot deadbolt on her front door. Just minutes into the night, a man with a military-grade chainsaw destroyed the bottom three feet of the door, tossed the saw aside, crawled through the opening and sliced her into small bits with a Gerber hatchet.

It’s a simple reminder that the smallest lapse in concentration can be deadly. Unlocked doors are the leading cause of death in the United States, outnumbering cancer, car accidents, drug overdoses, the DMV, and black-market prostate exams, combined.

The National Door Locker’s Association of America (NDLAA) estimates that on average, six men who you’ve never seen before and have no motive other than bashing your skull in are waiting outside your door at any given time, day or night, ready to take your life. For more information on home security, please visit SaveMySkull.gov.

Matt Kuchar Wins $6 Million Prize, Pays Caddy Seventeen Cents

Professional golfer Matt Kuchar is receiving backlash after some believe he stiffed a caddy. Kuchar showed up to the South Antarctican Classic without his regular caddy, John Wood, and agreed to have club caddy Spiral Freeze carry his bag for the week.

Kuchar says the two had an agreement before the tournament began.

“We agreed on a price for Spiral’s work before the start of the tournament. I told him I would pay him fifteen cents, and he said that would be great, with a smile on his face. That was the end of the discussion. That was it. When I ended up winning the tournament and taking home six million dollars, I was feeling generous, so I gave him seventeen cents, two more cents than we agreed upon. Again, he was delighted.”

A few days later, after family and friends of Mr. Freeze suggested he try and guilt trip Kuchar into giving him more money after the fact, Freeze reached out to Kuchar’s agent.

“I am a humble man, who takes care of his family, and works hard. I am reaching out to you because some people told me I could probably get some more money out of this. I don’t want to start anything or ruin your client’s reputation, but I would like some more money. I feel like he took advantage of me. I trusted him.”

Kuchar eventually offered Freeze an additional fifteen cents, but Freeze declined. He remained adamant that he should receive a dollar, which is what he placed the value of his work at after the fact because that’s what his friends and family told him he should try and get. Usually caddies receive 5% of a player’s winnings, which would amount to $300,000. Freeze, however, trusted his friends and family, who told him “I bet you could get a dollar out of him.”

Freeze, a former law school student who prides himself on his obviously impeccable negotiating skills, was shocked when Kuchar didn’t pay up the dollar.

“It’s just so unfair. I deserve that dollar. I’ve decided that’s what I deserve, and he owes it to me.”

Liam Neeson Reveals He Thought About Bestiality, Too

Just days after Liam Neeson admitted to having murderous thoughts about black people, the 66 year old actor (best known for his role in the “Taken” series) has revealed to 70 Minutes that he once thought about “fucking a horse like something vicious.”

In the extensive interview, Neeson was candid about his experience with oversharing. “You know, since being honest about my demons went over so well for me the first time, I figured the more I share the better. So here it is. One time, and this is hard for me to say, well… one time I thought about fucking a horse like something vicious. I saw it over the fence on my evening walk with its flowing mane, and I just thought to myself, ‘man… I’ve got to fuck that horse.’ I didn’t do it. Nothing ended up happening, but I walked around that farm for a couple of weeks with two Viagra in my hand. I was ready to fuck the first horse that jumped over that fence. I was ready to do it.”

We asked Twitter fanatic Gertrude Gunderson about her thoughts on the latest Neeson revelation. “He’s a rapist and a horse fucker. Absolutely abhorrent that anyone could ever think such a thing. Think about how a horse might feel reading this. How would you feel if you were a horse and you read this? I’ll never see one of his movies ever again. I hope Hollywood does the right thing and sets an example for people like him by never allowing him to work again.”

Fellow Twitter maniac Hun Hun Shoo had a different take. “You know, I think this is really great. Neeson is a hero in my book. He’s opened the door for people all across the world to reveal their dark tales of blasting a horse into oblivion. Shoot, I thought about it just last night. Come to think of it, I feel the urge coming on as we speak. You know of any farms around here?”

Florida Woman Goes Broke Raising Infant Son on Almond Milk

Kelsey Douglass had it all. A loving husband, a three story house, a stable income, and a beautiful young boy on the way. She was happy, full of life, and optimistic about her future. Unfortunately for Kelsey, her upper-class lifestyle was derailed when she insisted her child not be breastfed, but raised on almond milk.

“I just wanted him to be healthy,” said Kelsey. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

Mrs. Douglass isn’t the only one to face the harsh consequences of this striking new trend. Thousands of Americans across the country have lost everything in the pursuit of an organic child. The increase in demand has only made things worse for these mothers, fathers, and children. The price of one gallon of organic almond milk has risen from $6 to $13,000 over the past year.

Many, like Mrs. Douglass, remain hopeful. “I’m getting priced out, I know. I know. But I’ll do whatever it takes to protect my baby from an inorganic lifestyle. If we have to live on the streets, if I have to beg, it doesn’t matter. Billy is gonna get his almond milk.”

Some have even gone to more extreme lengths. Just last month, a woman in Arkansas was murdered in cold blood over a spoonful of almond milk. It was the third almond milk related death in the state this year.

Grocery stores are taking precautions to protect themselves and their customers. Almost all stores have now placed almond milk under lock and key in the razor section. Walmart has the beverage in the gaming section, right behind Grand Theft Auto 6.

On the same note, others are taking advantage of the rise in demand. EA has just announced they’ll be releasing a new game, Grand Theft Almond Milk, in October of 2019. The RPG spectacular will feature a character who must steal enough almond milk to raise their child. The incredibly challenging game will reward the players who go to the greatest lengths to raise a strong, organic child.

Ultimately, the future for organic families isn’t looking too bright. Experts project the price of almond milk to continue rising. Economist Doug Spleeg gave his insight on the issue: “The price of almond milk seems to be growing exponentially, and that trend will likely continue until we have exhausted ourselves of all the almond milk available. People don’t realize how many almonds it takes to produce a gallon of almond milk. I mean, did you even notice there was milk in almonds before? Exactly.”

Twitter Files for Bankruptcy After Banning Angry People

Twitter, once worth $40 billion, is now filing for bankruptcy, CEO Jack Dorsey has announced. The move comes just months after the company instituted a no tolerance policy on anger, banning any user who “exhibits or contributes to anger or vitriol.”

Down to just six users, Twitter has seen the steepest decline in engagement since Myspace suddenly became irrelevant when everyone went to high school. Dorsey is standing by his decision to implement the anti-anger policy. “Sometimes you just have to do what’s right, even if it destroys your business and your life. I’ll figure something out.”

Many have gone to the rising new social media site FuckYouMotherfucker to express their displeasure. Marcus Jeffries writes “Twitter used to be cool. I used to be able to log on every morning, find the first person who disagrees with me and call them a cunt munching bag of onion dust. I had fifty-thousand followers. People told me I was great. I’m nothing now. I have to start all over.”

Others, like Sarah Masterson, are taking advantage of the fresh start. “It’s great. I’m stoked to be on FuckYouMotherfucker before it gets huge. I’ve already got eight-thousand followers and as long as I keep telling people to choke on their own dicks and die, I think a lot of opportunities could open up for me. “

Guy With Computer Eager to Destroy Celebrity’s Life

Reading over the apologies from celebrities like Kevin Hart, Nick Cannon, and Shane Gillis, Jacksonville, Florida resident Doug Robertson couldn’t help but feel inspired. The proud owner of a brand new Lenovo laptop, Robertson grinned from ear to ear, explaining that “this is the moment.. This is my time to finally make a difference in the world.”

We asked Robertson, a third year major in Ableist Behavioral Studies at North University of the West, what he planned on doing with his new computer.

“Well, I’m really committed to what I believe in, so I’ll definitely be doing a lot of research on celebrities. I heard Justin Bieber may have tweeted a joke as a teenager that closely resembles a passage from Hitler’s Mein Kampf, but nobody’s been able to find it. I met a friend on Instagram who lived around the corner from Bieber during those years, and he thinks that we can crack the code together. That would be huge. I’ve always known Justin is a terrible human being, I just need to get my eyes on that tweet so the rest of the world can see it with me.”

Barry Bonds Eyeing Comeback to Gain More HOF Eligibility – Dodgers Showing Interest

The Los Angeles Dodgers are reportedly interested in newly found free agent, Barry Bonds. Bonds, who last played in 2007 with the rival Giants, is seeking extended eligibly for the Hall of Fame after becoming frustrated with voters.

“It’s ludicrous” says Bonds. “These guys don’t care about how good of a ballplayer you were. They voted Harold Baines in for Christ sake. Harold fucking Baines. Did you know Harold Baines never even hit thirty home runs in a single season? And he was a designated hitter!”

When asked about his chances of getting into the hall someday, Bonds seemed hopeful. “I think if I just keep playing until most of these voters die, the new ones will vote me in. I’ve spoken with Jamie Moyer and Julio Franco, and they’ve been very helpful and supportive. Plus, by the time I’m 60 I should have at least one thousand home runs. Then they’ll have to vote me in.”

The challenge for Bonds will be finding a team willing to give him a shot. Fortunately, the Dodgers have already been expressing interest. The back-to-back National League Pennant winners have also expressed interest this offseason in Bryce Harper, Manny Machado, J.T. Realmuto, Bartolo Colon, Pete Rose, AA home run king Charlie Chester, the unborn son of Mike Trout, and a literal fish.

“We’re in on everyone,” says Andrew Friedman, President of baseball operations for the Dodgers. “If we think they can help us win, we have to entertain those options.”

Friedman was open-minded about where Bonds may play in the field. “He’ll give us another option, whether it be in the outfield, at first base, or off the bench. We like to have as many options as we can. If we have to play six outfielders and two infielders, that’s what we’ll do. We’ve entertained the prospect of playing without a catcher this season as well, so that’s certainly a possibility.”

When asked if playing for the Dodgers would be a difficult change, Bonds replied: “as long as I get to keep hitting dingers and get into the hall, I don’t really give a fuck.”

 

Man With Truck and American Flag Named Country’s Most Patriotic

A Tulsa, Oklahoma man has been named the country’s most patriotic citizen by the National Census Bureau. Every year, the Bureau conducts a thorough and widespread survey to come up with twenty-five finalists for their national competition in a normally intense jostle for patriotic superiority. This year, however, the winner was clear from the start.

Bureau Chairman Brian Montez weighed in: “Usually, there’s fierce competition for this prestigious honor, where the board and judges are often faced with extremely difficult decisions. Every once in a while, however, somebody is just head and heels above the competition; and that was the case this year, when we found Kyle. Kyle sent us a picture of his lifted truck with a six foot American flag flying on top of it, and we just knew.”

“I felt his love for America from here,” said competition judge Laura Franklin, who resides in New York.

Even the ultra-harsh Massachusetts judge was complimentary. “You know, I thought I loved America, and then I saw Kyle. The mud on his truck. The large wheels, manufactured right here in America. The tinted windows. And of course, the flag. I had never seen such a glorious combination of gratitude and love for one’s country.”

Runner-up finisher David Dominquez was humbled to even be in the company of somebody like Kyle. “It’s crazy. My mother always told me to just do my best and be grateful I live in such a wonderful country. I took her advice to heart. Teaching American history to underprivileged youth, holding fundraisers to keep the Museum of American History afloat, going abroad to speak about representative democracy, these were all things I knew would make my mother and my country proud. To even be compared to somebody like Kyle is truly something I never could have even dreamed of.”