Travis Kelce Slaughtered and Mutilated by Head Coach Andy Reid

The horror continues for Chiefs fans. Just weeks after Patrick Mahomes was caught peddling heroin-infused footballs to prisoners, CBC Sports reports star tight end Travis Kelce has been brutally murdered by head coach Andy Reid.

The video, released this morning, shows Andy Reid walking into a local Chile’s for an evening dinner with his wife. As he turns the corner, confetti flies down from the ceiling and everyone yells “SURPRISE!” with Kelce at the forefront. Immediately, Reid splits into a fit of rage, grabbing Kelce by the throat and yelling “I HATE SURPRISES! DON’T YOU KNOW I HATE SURPRISES!?” Reid then proceeds to grab a steak knife from the nearest table and begins stabbing Kelce in the spleen. Team members looked on in horror at Reid screaming “I’LL FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU!” as he continued to stab Kelce, now in the throat and eyes. Reid finally let go of Kelce, as the once great tight end’s body hit the floor. Reid, still screaming, then reached under the table and pulled out a chainsaw. He revved up the saw and took it to Kelce’s head. He held the severed head high in the air and screamed “HOW ABOUT THIS FOR A FUCKING SURPRISE!?”

We asked the hostess, who chose to remain anonymous, about the terrifying scene.

“It was awful. It was really awful. This is why we don’t bring the steak knife out until after you order your dinner. To prevent situations like these. They said it was a surprise party for Andy Reid, though; and I’m a huge Chiefs fan, so I brought the knives out beforehand because they told me he likes to cut his butter with a steak knife. I just thought it would be a nice gesture. I don’t know how the chainsaw got there.”

 

The Chiefs have signed Tony Gonzalez.

Canadian Woman Finds Out She’s Actually Mexican

From the moment we’re born, the world presents us with an identity. As we grow up, we embark on an everlasting search for what that identity is. We put together bits and pieces, we learn and we grow, we mold and transform. We develop a better understanding of who we really are. Most of us, at least. Some of us wander around aimlessly, waiting for something else to define us.

One of these particularly clueless individuals is Canadian pre-school teacher Jessica Smith. Mrs. Smith, or as she’s known to her students, “Yay!” has lived in Alberta her entire life, and has become a model citizen for everything Canadian. When she saw an ad for Ancestry.com, she became curious about just how Canadian she actually is. What followed was an unexpected turn of events that would change Mrs. Smith’s life forever.

“So, I saw the ad pop up on my computer one morning when I was reading an article about bullying, and it really caught my attention. I was always curious about my heritage. I mean, I knew I was Canadian, but how Canadian was I, exactly? It was a question I just had to have answered. When the results came in, I couldn’t have been more excited. This was the moment I would finally understand my true identity. When I started reading the results, though, I was a bit surprised. It turns out that I’m not Canadian at all. I’m 100% Mexican. It was a bit of a shock. Being Canadian was everything to me. But now I’m Mexican, and being Mexican is everything to me.”

Patrick Mahomes Caught Smuggling Drugs to Prison Inmates

The series of unfortunate events continues for the Kansas City Chiefs. First, it was Kareem Hunt being released after a video surfaced of him kicking a woman. Then, a heartbreaking loss to Tom Brady and the Patriots in the AFC championship. Last week, news broke of Tyreek Hill being under investigation for battery. And now, Patrick Mahomes.

It has been reported that Kansas City’s darling quarterback has been smuggling drugs to prison inmates for years under the guise of an inmate “rehabilitation” charity. Instead of counseling and support groups, the rehabilitation simply consists of shooting enough heroin through the prisoner’s veins to make him forget he’s in prison in the first place. Mahomes founded the “Stick it Out Foundation” in 2016, visiting over fifty prisons in the United States over the last three years.

Pennsylvania State Penitentiary inmate Skye Skreeb was the first to come forward. “I had been in here a couple months, and my cellmate Kevin was really excited one day when we came back from the yard. He said Patrick Mahomes was coming next week. I thought that was kind of cool, but he’s a Raiders fan, and a really intense dude. I figured he’d be sharpening a toothbrush, but instead he gave me a hug. It was weird. It was really weird. When Mahomes finally got here, he gave us all a lecture about how our lives all mean something and God loves us. At the end, he gave us all signed footballs. The guys were losing their minds. The next day, though, I didn’t see many footballs around anymore, which I thought was odd. Then, I came back to my cell and saw Kevin sticking a needle into his football. I told him that he didn’t need to deflate the football; it was a Patrick Mahomes football, not a Tom Brady one. Instead of laughing at my joke, he just took the needle out of the football and stuck it in his arm. His eyes started to roll back in his head. I was like, shit…”

Several prison inmates across the country have reportedly made deals with authorities to share their stories in exchange for reduced sentences. It has been estimated over ten thousand inmates have been shooting up through Patrick Mahomes signed footballs, bringing upwards of $500 million profit to Mahomes himself.

The Kansas City Chiefs have reportedly signed Mark Sanchez.

MLB to Shorten Games to Five Minutes

In a drastic move to make the game more appealing to a wider audience, Major League Baseball has announced a series of new rules. Most notable among these new regulations is a rule requiring that games be finished in under five minutes time. Commissioner Manfred was kind enough to give us his thoughts on the new regulations.

“Well, as you know, we’ve been trying to shorten the length of games for some time now. In the past, we figured people who never liked baseball would all of a sudden like baseball if the games were two hours and forty-five minutes instead of three, but we were wrong. We didn’t go far enough. We didn’t take into account who these people are, and where there attention lies. After some research, we came to understand that most people can only pay attention to something for a few minutes. The average YouTube video is about four minutes, which was really key for us to understand. That’s the hit zone. That’s our audience. All of these people who are watching cat videos and prankster videos, we think we can get them to watch baseball.”

In order to accommodate the five minute rule, MLB has decided to just eliminate the pitcher entirely. There will now be a machine set up on the mound which will pump heaters in at 150 mph. Each team will send one batter up at a time, who will get one swing to try and park one. The teams will alternate swings until a dinger has been launched. If no dinger is launched at the end of five minutes, the game will end in a tie and both teams will play a friendly game of scrabble around third base, which will be streamed live on Twitch.

Antonio Brown to Decide Where Raiders Play Next Year

Where the Oakland Raiders would play their home games for the 2019 season had long been a question. A question that was finally answered when they agreed to play at Oracle Park in San Francisco. The decision was assumed to be final. Sometimes, however, things happen. This time, that thing is Antonio Brown.

In addition to a pay raise, a twenty-five foot golden statue, his own personal locker room, stadium rights, and six-weeks paid vacation, Antonio Brown’s new contract with the Raiders gives the star wide receiver the power to decide where the team plays their home games. It’s to be determined where exactly that will be, but Brown has dropped some hints on his Twitter handle.

“Tel Aviv sure is nice!”

“Looking for houses in Barcelona today!”

“Could get used to Ft. Lauderdale.”

“I’ve always been fascinated by Asian culture. Future home, perhaps?”

Much is still up in the air for the Raiders this season. One thing is for certain, though. Antonio Brown will be getting the football.

“I didn’t tell anyone this, but there are some other details to the contract. One of those details is that Derek Carr must throw me the ball at least twelve times a game. If he doesn’t, I have to be traded immediately, and I get to decide where. Imma get that ball in my hands, boy. Yeahhhhh.”

Colorado Man Forgets Why He’s in Garage

A Colorado man has announced he can’t remember why he went into his garage. Dave Dreefglom, a husband, father of four, and a mechanical engineer, described the horrific event to us this morning.

“Oh, man. It was brutal. It’s still difficult. It’s still difficult for me to talk about. It was umm… well it was just a regular old Sunday afternoon, you know. I was doing a few things around the house, I had the golf on. The kids had some friends over, they were running all around the house. I was in the kitchen, and I found myself wandering towards the garage. I know I needed to go in there for something, I know it. There was a reason I went to the garage, but when I got out there, I just found myself standing by the fridge looking around aimlessly. I couldn’t remember why I was there. I tried to remember why I went out there, but… man this is tough. I… I just couldn’t remember. I just couldn’t remember.”

Mr. Dreefglom isn’t the only one to experience the tragedy of garage dysphoria. It’s estimated that 400 people per day seize to remember why they went into the garage, staring blankly at the ground asking, “Why? Why am I here?” Luckily, there is hope. We can fight this terrible terrible condition if we come together. The WTFWID (What the Fuck Was I Doing) Collective is offering free membership all week to anyone who has experienced garage dysphoria. The organization provides tools and support to help people remember why it is they went into the garage in the first goddam place. This include pens and notepads, recording devices, and a 24-hour delirium hot line.

Remember. There is hope, and you’re not alone.

Government to Crack Down on “Student of the Month” Stickers

President Trump has issued an executive order imposing harsher regulations on the distribution of “Student of the Month” stickers in elementary schools after many citizens claim to be seeing them everywhere. One of those citizens is Windsor, California resident Doov Stime.

“It’s ridiculous. Everywhere I go, I see “My child is student of the month at Windsor Creek” stickers. These kids are only in school for nine months out of the year and somehow I’m seeing over one hundred stickers around town. They’ve become meaningless. If everyone is student of the month, then no one is. I mean, what, do they just hand them out at the front desk to anyone who wants one? There’s no accountability here. These people are perpetuating a lie. If they said “my child is one of the thirty students of the month” I would be okay with it. Or if they said “my child goes to Windsor Creek and got a B in third grade arithmetic and I’m super proud and want to be recognized for how great of a job I’ve done raising a child.” That would be fine, because at least it would be honest. Granted, it’s a pretty long bumper sticker, but at least it’s not a lie.”

Mr. Stime is one of the ten thousand parents who marched to the White House after their children did not receive student of the month honors while seemingly everyone else’s did. The grassroots movement was one that simply couldn’t be ignored.

President Trump gave his brief thoughts on the newly issued executive order. “This is great. This is really great. It’s gonna be great. We’ve had a lot of people pushing for this. A lot of people. These are great people, and they want their children to be honored fairly. And can you blame them? Can you blame them?”

The executive order will require that all elementary schools in the United States only issue one “Student of the Month” award per month and print a maximum of ten bumper stickers per calendar year. The restrictions will be heavily enforced by the National Guard, and any violation will result in a loss of government funding for the school.

Dog Forgets Man in Car on Hot Summer Day

An eighty-pound Labrador retriever from Milwaukee, Wisconsin has been charged for locking his owner in the back seat of his Ford Explorer with the windows up on a 95 degree summer day with 80% humidity and a 4 mph breeze coming from the Northeast. The retriever, known to the locals as Ruff Ruff Roo Roo, spent forty-five minutes in the Milwaukee PetSmart sniffing around for peanut butter and butthole while his owner’s brain slowly melted in the back of his 1997 black Ford Explorer that he bought from his uncle for just $500.

Fortunately for the helpless human, a family of terriers heard the 42 year-old husband and father of three yelping in the backseat, and began jumping and clawing at the window. After ten minutes of struggles, the window finally cracked as one of the terriers was able to break the window open with its snout. Exasperated, the human flopped out of the car and onto the pavement, barely mustering out the word “water.”

One of the brave terriers immediately sprinted into PetSmart and knocked a fish tank into a cart and pushed it to the parking lot. Once the brave soul was able to get it to the car, his family helped him tip over the cart as the fish water came rushing over the poor human. Relieved, the human was able to muster the energy to begin lapping up the rest of the water off the pavement, saving his life.

Leaving an owner in a car under unsafe conditions is illegal in Wisconsin. If you see an owner trapped in a car this summer, call the police immediately. If it takes more than 15 minutes for the K-9 unit to get there, don’t be afraid to take matters into your own hands and save a life, just like these heroic Terriers.

Tallahassee Man Discovers Birth Mark, Tells Everyone He Has Cancer

Tallahassee native Greg Goob has announced on Facebook that he has cancer after discovering a small mark on his back that has been there forever but he only just noticed. In a cryptic and startling post, Greg simply wrote as his status: “I have cancer.”

We asked Greg for his thoughts on his supposed cancer. “I’ve been waiting for a moment like this. Nobody ever paid much attention to me. Now they have to, because I have cancer. Hopefully it kills me, that way I can be the guy who died. Then they’ll really have to pay attention to me. Everyone will be saying, “Did you hear about Greg? He died. He died of cancer.”

We got in touch with a few of Greg’s Facebook friends to ask them if they had indeed heard about Greg.

Peter Flink was the first to write us back. “Yes, I saw Greg’s status yesterday and am very saddened by the news. I never knew Greg well, we just went to high school together. I don’t remember much about him other than he was pretty decent at tennis, apparently. It’s hard to believe someone you hardly knew existed could wind up having cancer. It’s been hard on me for sure. It’s been hard on my family. We’ve all been suffering right along with Greg. We’re sending him our thoughts and prayers, and we’re confident he’ll fight this.”

To support Greg, you can visit his GoFundMe at IhaveCancerIhaveCancer.gofundme.com.

Starbucks Outbreak Kills Five

An outbreak of Starbucks construction has resulted in the death of five Los Angeles residents, the highest total in over a year. Reporter Megan Bleem was there to describe the horrific scene.

“I watched it all unfold right in front of me. I was just sitting on the outside patio of the Starbucks on the east side of Franklin Street enjoying my grande white mocha with no whip cream when a man walked out of the Starbucks across the street and wandered over to the open lot right beside it. He was just looking around, curious, you know. Then he took notice of the sign, which explained the lot was grounds for a new Starbucks. I think he knew danger was imminent at this point. He started looking around wearily, but it was too late. A crane immediately dropped two tons of foundation right on top of him. There was a family of four standing in the parking lot, shocked at what they had just seen. Stuck in their tracks from the sheer horror, they were unfortunately caught in the delivery crossfire, pelted to death by sugar packets and straws.”

This is the sixth incident of Starbucks related deaths in Los Angeles this year, and the deadliest in 15 months, since the infamous Macchiato Massacre, when thirty-five residents drowned after the cap came loose on a quintuple shot venti caramel macchiato.