Donald Trump Mistaken For Bag of Potato Chips

A 47 year old woman by the name of Jessica Jenkins has announced a lawsuit against the President of the United States after she mistook him for a bag of potato chips. The incident occurred on Monday, June 17th just outside of Times Square.

“It was all very confusing,” said Jenkins. “It was my first time in New York, and I had just finished exploring Times Square. I had been walking around all morning and I was pretty hungry, but I had to meet a friend in Brooklyn within the hour, so I didn’t have time for a full meal. I saw a big bag of potato chips just sitting there over on 6th avenue and figured that would hold me over. When I tried to open the bag, it started screaming at me and I was immediately descended on by security. They tackled me to the ground, and I sustained a concussion. I thought to myself ‘I’m never eating Lays again.’ When I was released from the hospital, an officer explained to me that what I thought was a bag of Classic Lays was actually the President of the United States. I called my lawyer immediately.”

UK Group Decides Best Action for Humanity is to End Humanity

A recently formed group out of the United Kingdom has decided we’d all be better off dead. The group, called BirthStrike, was originally established by Blythe Pepino, who, fearful of bringing children into a world on the verge of collapse, decided to unite with fifty-nine equally cynical depressives. Says Pepino, (real quote) “I do have a partner and would like to have children with him. We’re really in love, and it feels like the right thing to do,… But last year I read the latest report form the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change [IPCC] and realized how wrong it would be to bring a child into a world on the brink of catastrophe. Now we are looking for [others] who feel the same way to join us.”

We caught up with one of the first members to join, Gassandra Goffploob, and asked her about the future of the group and humanity itself.

“Well, the short answer is none. The group will soon seize to exist because we will all seize to exist. The world is ending, and it’s ending soon, and it’s all because of us. My husband and I thought about raising a strong, well-read child who could grow up to fight for a healthy planet and a healthy population, but we quickly realized that was a stupid idea and the world we be a better place if we were all just dead already. So, we decided not to bring a child into this crumbling world and join BirthStrike instead. It’s been really great, but I don’t think we’re doing enough. Not having our own children is a good start, but I think we need to take it a step further and start killing other people’s children. They’ve made a grave mistake, and we’d love to help them correct that mistake before it’s too late.”

United States Wins $500 Trillion in World Lottery

The wait is finally over. After 2,000 years, the World Lottery announced the United States has correctly filled out all five hundred numbers, taking home the grand prize of $500 trillion. This is by far the largest prize in the history of the World Lottery, dramatically outdoing the $750 billion won by Senegal when it filled out 436 of the 500 correct numbers in 1974 and immediately spent it all on a really cool boat.

We asked the United States what it plans to do with the prize money. “Well, as you may know, we’ve got about $22 trillion in debt, so we’ll definitely be paying some of that off. We’re thinking of knocking a thousand dollars off that right away, and I think that’ll provide us with a lot of relief. More exciting, however, is the opportunity to invest in some of the amazing technology that’s out there, particularly some of the military technology. We heard there’s a new prototype for a jet that runs entirely on Dr. Pepper, which would be huge. There’s also a sweet new tank that turns into a submarine on voice command that we’re really excited to mess around with. Ooh and they’ve got these drones now that look exactly like crows. It’s crazy. We’re thinking of buying about ten thousand of those and flying them into North Korea during migration season. Do crows migrate? Who cares, it’s gonna be really cool.”

Dog Forgets Man in Car on Hot Summer Day

An eighty-pound Labrador retriever from Milwaukee, Wisconsin has been charged for locking his owner in the back seat of his Ford Explorer with the windows up on a 95 degree summer day with 80% humidity and a 4 mph breeze coming from the Northeast. The retriever, known to the locals as Ruff Ruff Roo Roo, spent forty-five minutes in the Milwaukee PetSmart sniffing around for peanut butter and butthole while his owner’s brain slowly melted in the back of his 1997 black Ford Explorer that he bought from his uncle for just $500.

Fortunately for the helpless human, a family of terriers heard the 42 year-old husband and father of three yelping in the backseat, and began jumping and clawing at the window. After ten minutes of struggles, the window finally cracked as one of the terriers was able to break the window open with its snout. Exasperated, the human flopped out of the car and onto the pavement, barely mustering out the word “water.”

One of the brave terriers immediately sprinted into PetSmart and knocked a fish tank into a cart and pushed it to the parking lot. Once the brave soul was able to get it to the car, his family helped him tip over the cart as the fish water came rushing over the poor human. Relieved, the human was able to muster the energy to begin lapping up the rest of the water off the pavement, saving his life.

Leaving an owner in a car under unsafe conditions is illegal in Wisconsin. If you see an owner trapped in a car this summer, call the police immediately. If it takes more than 15 minutes for the K-9 unit to get there, don’t be afraid to take matters into your own hands and save a life, just like these heroic Terriers.

Starbucks Outbreak Kills Five

An outbreak of Starbucks construction has resulted in the death of five Los Angeles residents, the highest total in over a year. Reporter Megan Bleem was there to describe the horrific scene.

“I watched it all unfold right in front of me. I was just sitting on the outside patio of the Starbucks on the east side of Franklin Street enjoying my grande white mocha with no whip cream when a man walked out of the Starbucks across the street and wandered over to the open lot right beside it. He was just looking around, curious, you know. Then he took notice of the sign, which explained the lot was grounds for a new Starbucks. I think he knew danger was imminent at this point. He started looking around wearily, but it was too late. A crane immediately dropped two tons of foundation right on top of him. There was a family of four standing in the parking lot, shocked at what they had just seen. Stuck in their tracks from the sheer horror, they were unfortunately caught in the delivery crossfire, pelted to death by sugar packets and straws.”

This is the sixth incident of Starbucks related deaths in Los Angeles this year, and the deadliest in 15 months, since the infamous Macchiato Massacre, when thirty-five residents drowned after the cap came loose on a quintuple shot venti caramel macchiato.

Jussie Smollett Doubles Down, Says He Was Also Attacked by Group of Racist Pandas

Just days after new insights have suggested Jussie Smollett may have orchestrated his own hate crime, the ‘Empire’ actor is revealing yet another alleged attack.

“I just want to say that this is all really terrible. It’s terrible this first attack happened to me. It’s terrible people don’t believe me. They’re terrible. Everything is terrible. Everyone is terrible. Except for me. I’m not terrible. I’m a victim. I’m a victim of this attack, and well… I haven’t said this before, but I’m a victim of another attack as well. I’ve never told anyone about this and… gosh this is really hard for me, but… about a year ago… I was attacked by a group of racist pandas. I was walking in the park and three pandas swung down from an overhanging tree and put a bag over my head. They started screaming “Skin boy!” and “House Dweller!” They clawed at my chest and tightened the bag. I could hardly breathe. When they took it off, I noticed they were wearing “Bamboo or Die” hats, and as they waddled away, they turned back at me and yelled “This is Bamboo country!”

We went to Twitter to see what the American people thought of the recent developments in the Smollett case. Righty McWhity wasn’t holding back, writing a scathing takedown of Smollett and the American Left. “Hahahaha, this guy is so full of shit, just like the rest of the leftists in this country! You can’t believe a single thing any of these people say! Fake news! Next time anyone claims they’ve been the victim of a hate crime, I’m going to forcefully remind them of this particular scenario to demonstrate that the left is always stupid and nobody is a victim. Go to work, snowflakes!”

Lefty Mynoritay had a different take on the issue. “The alt-right’s reaction to this is so upsetting. Just because one person may have staged an attack doesn’t mean we shouldn’t #believevictims. I still stand with Jussie. As a member of the LGBTQ+#$^^&**@!?><;{}\LMNOP%’”|/( community, we stand together. We all make mistakes. We love you, Jussie. Love will conquer all. Fuck conservatives.”

Prominent Twitter user Creetical Theenk weighed in on the issue as well. “I think this whole situation is unfortunate. It’s unfortunate for people who are actually victims of hate crimes and discrimination. They’re hurt the most by this if the attack was indeed proven to be staged. The last thing you want is people to be overly dismissive of serious accusations. We also see the danger of blindly accepting something to be true in order to further a political agenda. I think we should try and reserve judgement until all of the facts come out.”

Mr. Theenk was murdered immediately after releasing this tweet. May he rest in peace.