8-Year-Old Boy Traded to Neighboring House Minutes Before MLB Trade Deadline

The rumors have been swirling around the Miller’s for weeks. After three months of lackluster societal contribution from the family, many expected the Miller’s to be major sellers at the deadline, but nobody expected this. Last night, the family sent their ten-year-old German Shepard, Rocky, to the Rodriguez household for a two-year-old fish tank in near mint condition. The move was to be expected, with Rocky’s strong start to the year and his contract with life nearing an end.

This morning, the Miller family struck a deal with the Lin’s for the mother of the household, Sandra Miller, who maintains multiple years of marital control. Although Mrs. Miller was having a down year, the Lin’s are confident they can turn her into a force to be reckoned with. The Lin family has a tradition of turning burnt-out mothers into prolific all-around contributors late in their careers. After acquiring 46-year-old Kelsey Daniels from the Goldberg’s in a three-family deal two years ago, the Lin family has turned the formerly useless piece of couch adhesive into one of the foremost leaders in the field of genetic engineering. The Miller family will receive a child to be named later from the Lin’s.

The move was, again, not unexpected, as many believed a change of scenery might be best for Mrs. Miller and the Miller family.

As the deadline neared at 4 p.m. Eastern time this afternoon, many in the industry expected the Miller’s to be busy fielding calls for their star contributor, 16-year-old Larissa, who would certainly be shipped for younger, more controllable pieces. Instead, the Millers seem to have nixed their plans for a supposed rebuild in the hopes of making a run at familial honor in the next two years. Jefferson Family Manager Rod Pickert said, of the scenario: “I’m surprised. Very surprised. Everyone expected the Millers to be major sellers this year and start over, but it looks like they’re gonna make one more run at it around Larissa. Everyone knows she’s going to be gone in two years. It’s common knowledge she doesn’t get along with her mother and hates her home town. But who knows, I heard they decided to send Mrs. Miller to the Lin’s, so maybe things turn around for them.”

Much like Mr. Pickert, many in the industry thought Larissa would be the major piece moving away from the Miller’s at the deadline. When it turned out to be eight-year-old brother, Kyle, shock waves were sent through the community. Just minutes before the deadline passed, Ken Daisyballs reported the eight-year-old boy had been traded to the neighboring Robinson’s for 52-year-old Uncle Frank Lancaster, 44-year-old Auntie Barb, and first round positioning in next year’s sperm bank draft.

On the surface, the move seems to make little sense. The Miller family gets older and receives an uncertain first-round sperm selection while sending away their top prospect, a kid who made the ten-year-old’s all-star team at age eight and has shown promising results on his multiplication tables. Nobody knows what the future holds for the Millers, but something needed to change; and boy did something change.

NBA to Hold Memorial Service for Kevin Durant’s Achilles

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver has announced the NBA will be holding a memorial service on June 19th to mourn the loss of Kevin Durant’s season. The event will take place at the house of Warriors General Manager, Bob Myers, who sought psychiatric assistance after the devastating loss.

“I was devastated. I saw Kevin go down with the injury and immediately thought about blowing my brains out. I knew I needed help, so I called the hospital right after the game ended. They said they were receiving a lot of calls and wouldn’t be able to get me in for at least a month. That’s when I knew I wasn’t alone. I knew I had to do something to bring everyone together during this difficult time. I contacted Commissioner Silver and he agreed to set up an official event, to be sponsored by Dr. Scholl’s.”

The event is open to anyone affected by this shocking tragedy, as long as they’re not from Canada.

Tiger Woods Blames Missed Cut on House Democrats

The second major of the year didn’t go as planned for Tiger Woods. Coming off a win for the ages at the Masters, Woods failed to make the cut at this year’s PGA Championship. Many wondered if this was a simple let down performance after an enthralling Masters win or if the time off between tournaments came back to bite him, but Woods had a different explanation. The reason for his poor performance, Woods explains, is “those slimy Democrats running the House.”

The reasoning given by Woods comes with little curiosity, as James Harden blamed “the God damn Republicans” for the Rockets’ loss to the Golden State Warriors last week, Harvey Weinstein blamed “the fucking Germans” for his sexual bankruptcy, and the cast of Cheers laid waste to “those smug, idiot Libertarians” for screwing up “absolutely everything.”

If we’ve learned anything so far in 2019, it’s that everything is their fault. Who “they” are is up for us to decide, but one thing is for certain. It is and always will be their fault.

Travis Kelce Slaughtered and Mutilated by Head Coach Andy Reid

The horror continues for Chiefs fans. Just weeks after Patrick Mahomes was caught peddling heroin-infused footballs to prisoners, CBC Sports reports star tight end Travis Kelce has been brutally murdered by head coach Andy Reid.

The video, released this morning, shows Andy Reid walking into a local Chile’s for an evening dinner with his wife. As he turns the corner, confetti flies down from the ceiling and everyone yells “SURPRISE!” with Kelce at the forefront. Immediately, Reid splits into a fit of rage, grabbing Kelce by the throat and yelling “I HATE SURPRISES! DON’T YOU KNOW I HATE SURPRISES!?” Reid then proceeds to grab a steak knife from the nearest table and begins stabbing Kelce in the spleen. Team members looked on in horror at Reid screaming “I’LL FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU!” as he continued to stab Kelce, now in the throat and eyes. Reid finally let go of Kelce, as the once great tight end’s body hit the floor. Reid, still screaming, then reached under the table and pulled out a chainsaw. He revved up the saw and took it to Kelce’s head. He held the severed head high in the air and screamed “HOW ABOUT THIS FOR A FUCKING SURPRISE!?”

We asked the hostess, who chose to remain anonymous, about the terrifying scene.

“It was awful. It was really awful. This is why we don’t bring the steak knife out until after you order your dinner. To prevent situations like these. They said it was a surprise party for Andy Reid, though; and I’m a huge Chiefs fan, so I brought the knives out beforehand because they told me he likes to cut his butter with a steak knife. I just thought it would be a nice gesture. I don’t know how the chainsaw got there.”

 

The Chiefs have signed Tony Gonzalez.

Lost City of Z Found in James Harden’s Beard

A group of Brazilian researchers have announced the discovery of the long sought city of gold. The Lost City of Z, believed to be hidden somewhere in the Amazon Rainforest, has eluded explorers for centuries. Many who have dared to search for the legendary city have never been seen again. Today, those worries can be set aside. The Lost City of Z has been found, and those who discovered it have returned. One of these brave explorers is Zoomhai Zimestike.

“Well, it’s been a hell of a journey. After years of battling the harsh life of the Amazon and coming home empty handed, we started to wonder if we had been misled. We knew the Lost City of Z existed, but nobody has ever been able to find it after all these years. We talked amongst ourselves and wondered if it was really here. Kyle mentioned they’ve been finding some surprising things hidden in James Harden’s beard lately, like the brain of JFK, which had been missing for the last half-century. We figured what the hell, it’s worth a shot. We all packed our gear and flew out to Houston the next morning. Warned about the dangers of entering the beard during daylight hours, we waited until nightfall. We packed up our tents and all of the essentials, but made sure not to bring any razors. It was really rough territory the first couple of days. The terrain was harsh and unforgiving, and it was very dark. Once we got past the infamous Curly’s Corner, things started to ease up for us. We made really good progress over the next few days, and that’s when we saw it. It started as a flicker in the distance, but as we approached, the piles of gold became clear. It was a dream come true. It still is. It’s very hard for me to wrap my head around. I just can’t believe we actually found it.”

Patrick Mahomes Caught Smuggling Drugs to Prison Inmates

The series of unfortunate events continues for the Kansas City Chiefs. First, it was Kareem Hunt being released after a video surfaced of him kicking a woman. Then, a heartbreaking loss to Tom Brady and the Patriots in the AFC championship. Last week, news broke of Tyreek Hill being under investigation for battery. And now, Patrick Mahomes.

It has been reported that Kansas City’s darling quarterback has been smuggling drugs to prison inmates for years under the guise of an inmate “rehabilitation” charity. Instead of counseling and support groups, the rehabilitation simply consists of shooting enough heroin through the prisoner’s veins to make him forget he’s in prison in the first place. Mahomes founded the “Stick it Out Foundation” in 2016, visiting over fifty prisons in the United States over the last three years.

Pennsylvania State Penitentiary inmate Skye Skreeb was the first to come forward. “I had been in here a couple months, and my cellmate Kevin was really excited one day when we came back from the yard. He said Patrick Mahomes was coming next week. I thought that was kind of cool, but he’s a Raiders fan, and a really intense dude. I figured he’d be sharpening a toothbrush, but instead he gave me a hug. It was weird. It was really weird. When Mahomes finally got here, he gave us all a lecture about how our lives all mean something and God loves us. At the end, he gave us all signed footballs. The guys were losing their minds. The next day, though, I didn’t see many footballs around anymore, which I thought was odd. Then, I came back to my cell and saw Kevin sticking a needle into his football. I told him that he didn’t need to deflate the football; it was a Patrick Mahomes football, not a Tom Brady one. Instead of laughing at my joke, he just took the needle out of the football and stuck it in his arm. His eyes started to roll back in his head. I was like, shit…”

Several prison inmates across the country have reportedly made deals with authorities to share their stories in exchange for reduced sentences. It has been estimated over ten thousand inmates have been shooting up through Patrick Mahomes signed footballs, bringing upwards of $500 million profit to Mahomes himself.

The Kansas City Chiefs have reportedly signed Mark Sanchez.

MLB to Shorten Games to Five Minutes

In a drastic move to make the game more appealing to a wider audience, Major League Baseball has announced a series of new rules. Most notable among these new regulations is a rule requiring that games be finished in under five minutes time. Commissioner Manfred was kind enough to give us his thoughts on the new regulations.

“Well, as you know, we’ve been trying to shorten the length of games for some time now. In the past, we figured people who never liked baseball would all of a sudden like baseball if the games were two hours and forty-five minutes instead of three, but we were wrong. We didn’t go far enough. We didn’t take into account who these people are, and where there attention lies. After some research, we came to understand that most people can only pay attention to something for a few minutes. The average YouTube video is about four minutes, which was really key for us to understand. That’s the hit zone. That’s our audience. All of these people who are watching cat videos and prankster videos, we think we can get them to watch baseball.”

In order to accommodate the five minute rule, MLB has decided to just eliminate the pitcher entirely. There will now be a machine set up on the mound which will pump heaters in at 150 mph. Each team will send one batter up at a time, who will get one swing to try and park one. The teams will alternate swings until a dinger has been launched. If no dinger is launched at the end of five minutes, the game will end in a tie and both teams will play a friendly game of scrabble around third base, which will be streamed live on Twitch.

Antonio Brown to Decide Where Raiders Play Next Year

Where the Oakland Raiders would play their home games for the 2019 season had long been a question. A question that was finally answered when they agreed to play at Oracle Park in San Francisco. The decision was assumed to be final. Sometimes, however, things happen. This time, that thing is Antonio Brown.

In addition to a pay raise, a twenty-five foot golden statue, his own personal locker room, stadium rights, and six-weeks paid vacation, Antonio Brown’s new contract with the Raiders gives the star wide receiver the power to decide where the team plays their home games. It’s to be determined where exactly that will be, but Brown has dropped some hints on his Twitter handle.

“Tel Aviv sure is nice!”

“Looking for houses in Barcelona today!”

“Could get used to Ft. Lauderdale.”

“I’ve always been fascinated by Asian culture. Future home, perhaps?”

Much is still up in the air for the Raiders this season. One thing is for certain, though. Antonio Brown will be getting the football.

“I didn’t tell anyone this, but there are some other details to the contract. One of those details is that Derek Carr must throw me the ball at least twelve times a game. If he doesn’t, I have to be traded immediately, and I get to decide where. Imma get that ball in my hands, boy. Yeahhhhh.”

Matt Kuchar Wins $6 Million Prize, Pays Caddy Seventeen Cents

Professional golfer Matt Kuchar is receiving backlash after some believe he stiffed a caddy. Kuchar showed up to the South Antarctican Classic without his regular caddy, John Wood, and agreed to have club caddy Spiral Freeze carry his bag for the week.

Kuchar says the two had an agreement before the tournament began.

“We agreed on a price for Spiral’s work before the start of the tournament. I told him I would pay him fifteen cents, and he said that would be great, with a smile on his face. That was the end of the discussion. That was it. When I ended up winning the tournament and taking home six million dollars, I was feeling generous, so I gave him seventeen cents, two more cents than we agreed upon. Again, he was delighted.”

A few days later, after family and friends of Mr. Freeze suggested he try and guilt trip Kuchar into giving him more money after the fact, Freeze reached out to Kuchar’s agent.

“I am a humble man, who takes care of his family, and works hard. I am reaching out to you because some people told me I could probably get some more money out of this. I don’t want to start anything or ruin your client’s reputation, but I would like some more money. I feel like he took advantage of me. I trusted him.”

Kuchar eventually offered Freeze an additional fifteen cents, but Freeze declined. He remained adamant that he should receive a dollar, which is what he placed the value of his work at after the fact because that’s what his friends and family told him he should try and get. Usually caddies receive 5% of a player’s winnings, which would amount to $300,000. Freeze, however, trusted his friends and family, who told him “I bet you could get a dollar out of him.”

Freeze, a former law school student who prides himself on his obviously impeccable negotiating skills, was shocked when Kuchar didn’t pay up the dollar.

“It’s just so unfair. I deserve that dollar. I’ve decided that’s what I deserve, and he owes it to me.”

Cleveland Browns Sign Kareem Hunt, Ray Rice, Plaxico Burress, Ryan Leaf, OJ Simpson, Michael Vick

The Cleveland Browns have just announced they’ve come to terms with running back Kareem Hunt, running back Ray Rice, wide receiver Plaxico Burress, quarterback Ryan Leaf, running back OJ Simpson, and quarterback Michael Vick.

The flurry of moves comes after the Browns narrowly missed out on a postseason birth after winning just one game in the previous seven hundred years. “It’s our time,” says GM John Dorsey. “We have to accumulate as much talent as possible. This is a talent driven league. I don’t care if you’re a drug addict, a thief, a woman beater, or a murderer; as long as you can play football, you’ll have a spot on the Cleveland Browns.”

We asked Kareem Hunt for a statement on his newfound opportunity with the Browns. “I just want to say I’m sorry. I want to thank god and I can’t wait to hit people again. Go Browns.”

Plaxico Burress also provided us with a statement. “I want to thank God first of all. I’ve learned a lot about safeties over the last few years, and I’m ready to help the Browns win a championship.”

Fans of the Browns have expressed mixed feelings about the signings. Steve Spoob, a third generation Browns fan and the first one in his family not to kill himself, says of the signings, “I can’t believe this. It finally looked like things were going our way, and then we go out and do this. Unbelievable.”

Kyle Gilf also expressed his displeasure. “This is absurd. I can’t believe an NFL team would sign players who are morally questionable. I really thought this was a league that cared about doing what’s right. I’m just so disappointed. So disappointed.”

Agmoo Loogagoo saw things a little bit differently. “Everyone deserves a second chance. I’m stoked to see what these guys can do on the field. All of the fans who think this is a bad idea don’t know anything about football. We’re gonna be championship, baby!”