GameStop Turns Itself in, Gets Seven Dollars in Store Credit

The popular video game retailer, GameStop, has announced they will no longer be under operation. The move comes as a bit of surprise after Jacob from Springfield pre-ordered not one, but two copies of the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 4. New Gamestop CEO George Sherman was kind enough to provide us with more information on the surprising move.

“Well, we saw an opportunity that was just too good for us to pass up. The company has been deteriorating in value over time, like all of them do. Except for the classics of course. We figured it was best for us to cash in on what remaining value was left in the company instead of letting it crumble into something worthless like NBA 2k9. When we heard about the new NASDAQ exchange program, we were really excited. We figured it would be an easy way for us to get $750 million or so in stock money. Unfortunately, the best they could do was seven dollars in store credit. But, we were already there, so we went ahead and took the deal.”

Alabama Governor Hopes to Revive Blockbuster Through Public Funding

Alabama Governor Kay Ivey has proposed a sweeping series of new initiatives, including a proposal designed to revive the formerly prominent video rental company, Blockbuster. Ivey’s umbrella proposal, titled “The Take Me Back Initiative,” also includes a proposition to re-invest in the pet rock, a motion for more muskets, and something called “The Horse Initiative.”

Ivey was adamant about moving forward by continuing to move backwards after the state recently passed a ban on abortion. “People need to understand what we’re trying to accomplish here,” Ivey says. “The only way to move forward is to go back. See, time is a circle. You’ve seen a clock, right? It’s a circle. If the clock reads eleven, why spend all of that energy going past twelve, then one, then two, then three… when you can just go back to ten? The clock was going to get to ten eventually, but instead of waiting eleven hours, we only have to wait a few minutes… by adjusting the clock ourselves.”

Ivey’s unparalleled brilliance has been celebrated by many prominent Republican leaders, including president Donald Trump, who described her as “The Genghis Kahn of our time… and a woman, too!” Time will tell what the future holds for the beautiful and innovative state of Alabama, but one thing’s for certain; it looks awfully bright.

Florida Teenager Molested by E-Cigarette

The family of Florida teenager Goff Goldbergstein is filing a lawsuit against new e-cig spinoff brand, Juu, after the boy claimed to be molested by a strawberry cartridge. The company, created in hopes of providing the Jewish community with a safer and more affordable smoking experience, declined to comment on the matter.

Goldbergstein claims he was trying to blow progressively larger circles after taking a fat rip from his new Juu when the cartridge popped out and began crawling up his leg. “It was a funny feeling at first,” said Goldbergstein. “It was just kind of a mild tickling sensation, and I didn’t really think anything of it. The cartridge started to move up my leg, and before I realized what was even happening, it was holding my private parts.”

This particular scenario is just one of many harrowing tales of e-cigarettes taking advantage of our nation’s youth. If you or a loved one has been abused by an e-cigarette, you can call 1-800 FUCK OFF to speak with an attorney.

Giant Squid Found in McDonalds Happy Meal

A 35-foot giant squid has been found in the happy meal of an unsuspecting McDonalds customer in Southern California. The five year-old boy, Jameson Joom, asked his mother if they could go to McDonalds after his first day of kindergarten, and she obliged. When the two pulled into the drive-thru, Jessica Joom ordered her son a happy meal and proceeded to the first window, then the second window. When she was given her son’s happy meal, Mrs. Joom noticed it was a little heavy, but didn’t think much of it, handing the bag gently to her son in the back seat. When he opened the bag to grab his fries, she heard a piercing shriek.

“It was terrifying. I’ve never heard him scream so loud. He just started yelling, “MOM MOM THERE’S A GIANT SQUID IN MY FRIES!” I told him not be silly because I needed to focus on the road, but when I was slapped in the face by one of the tentacles, I knew he wasn’t kidding anymore. The front windshield shattered and the squid slithered its way out. We were in shock. I still can’t believe it happened. I had heard of people finding hairs in their fries and fingers in their chicken nuggets, but I never expected this. I’m just glad we’re both okay.”

When asked if she was going to file a lawsuit against McDonalds for the incident, Mrs. Joom was dismissive, saying “sometimes things like this just happen.”

Canadian Woman Finds Out She’s Actually Mexican

From the moment we’re born, the world presents us with an identity. As we grow up, we embark on an everlasting search for what that identity is. We put together bits and pieces, we learn and we grow, we mold and transform. We develop a better understanding of who we really are. Most of us, at least. Some of us wander around aimlessly, waiting for something else to define us.

One of these particularly clueless individuals is Canadian pre-school teacher Jessica Smith. Mrs. Smith, or as she’s known to her students, “Yay!” has lived in Alberta her entire life, and has become a model citizen for everything Canadian. When she saw an ad for Ancestry.com, she became curious about just how Canadian she actually is. What followed was an unexpected turn of events that would change Mrs. Smith’s life forever.

“So, I saw the ad pop up on my computer one morning when I was reading an article about bullying, and it really caught my attention. I was always curious about my heritage. I mean, I knew I was Canadian, but how Canadian was I, exactly? It was a question I just had to have answered. When the results came in, I couldn’t have been more excited. This was the moment I would finally understand my true identity. When I started reading the results, though, I was a bit surprised. It turns out that I’m not Canadian at all. I’m 100% Mexican. It was a bit of a shock. Being Canadian was everything to me. But now I’m Mexican, and being Mexican is everything to me.”

Colorado Man Forgets Why He’s in Garage

A Colorado man has announced he can’t remember why he went into his garage. Dave Dreefglom, a husband, father of four, and a mechanical engineer, described the horrific event to us this morning.

“Oh, man. It was brutal. It’s still difficult. It’s still difficult for me to talk about. It was umm… well it was just a regular old Sunday afternoon, you know. I was doing a few things around the house, I had the golf on. The kids had some friends over, they were running all around the house. I was in the kitchen, and I found myself wandering towards the garage. I know I needed to go in there for something, I know it. There was a reason I went to the garage, but when I got out there, I just found myself standing by the fridge looking around aimlessly. I couldn’t remember why I was there. I tried to remember why I went out there, but… man this is tough. I… I just couldn’t remember. I just couldn’t remember.”

Mr. Dreefglom isn’t the only one to experience the tragedy of garage dysphoria. It’s estimated that 400 people per day seize to remember why they went into the garage, staring blankly at the ground asking, “Why? Why am I here?” Luckily, there is hope. We can fight this terrible terrible condition if we come together. The WTFWID (What the Fuck Was I Doing) Collective is offering free membership all week to anyone who has experienced garage dysphoria. The organization provides tools and support to help people remember why it is they went into the garage in the first goddam place. This include pens and notepads, recording devices, and a 24-hour delirium hot line.

Remember. There is hope, and you’re not alone.

Government to Crack Down on “Student of the Month” Stickers

President Trump has issued an executive order imposing harsher regulations on the distribution of “Student of the Month” stickers in elementary schools after many citizens claim to be seeing them everywhere. One of those citizens is Windsor, California resident Doov Stime.

“It’s ridiculous. Everywhere I go, I see “My child is student of the month at Windsor Creek” stickers. These kids are only in school for nine months out of the year and somehow I’m seeing over one hundred stickers around town. They’ve become meaningless. If everyone is student of the month, then no one is. I mean, what, do they just hand them out at the front desk to anyone who wants one? There’s no accountability here. These people are perpetuating a lie. If they said “my child is one of the thirty students of the month” I would be okay with it. Or if they said “my child goes to Windsor Creek and got a B in third grade arithmetic and I’m super proud and want to be recognized for how great of a job I’ve done raising a child.” That would be fine, because at least it would be honest. Granted, it’s a pretty long bumper sticker, but at least it’s not a lie.”

Mr. Stime is one of the ten thousand parents who marched to the White House after their children did not receive student of the month honors while seemingly everyone else’s did. The grassroots movement was one that simply couldn’t be ignored.

President Trump gave his brief thoughts on the newly issued executive order. “This is great. This is really great. It’s gonna be great. We’ve had a lot of people pushing for this. A lot of people. These are great people, and they want their children to be honored fairly. And can you blame them? Can you blame them?”

The executive order will require that all elementary schools in the United States only issue one “Student of the Month” award per month and print a maximum of ten bumper stickers per calendar year. The restrictions will be heavily enforced by the National Guard, and any violation will result in a loss of government funding for the school.

Republican Wakes up From Drunken Stupor, Asks Michael Cohen if He Has a Book Deal

Prominent Republican and Senate representative Gavin Gleem went to bed incredibly drunk last night. He couldn’t even walk on his own, as his wife Marcia had to carry him to bed. He asked her “Who are you? Wait… who am I?” Delirious, the Republican senator passed out immediately upon hitting the bed.

Remarkably, he woke up just thirty minutes later and clearly asked, “Mr. Cohen, have you had discussions about a book deal?” Confused, Marcia said, “I’m not Mr. Cohen, hunny. Go back to sleep.” He slowly cuddled back up with his Dora the Explorer blanket and fell back to sleep.

Thirty minutes later, however, it happened again. Louder this time. “Mr. Cohen, have you had discussions regarding a book or movie about your experience!?” Once again, Mrs. Gleem urged her husband to go back to sleep.

Much to her annoyance, Mr. Gleem woke up again, thirty minutes later. And again, he addressed the subject of a book deal, this time with even more fervor. “MR. COHEN, CAN YOU GUARANTEE THAT YOU WON’T PURSUE A BOOK OR MOVIE DEAL REGARDING YOUR EXPERIENCE!?” This went on throughout the night, and poor Mrs. Gleem never got a wink of shut eye.

Academy Tries to be Socially Conscious, Still Enrages Audience

Eager to finally please a progressive audience, the Academy Awards seemed destined to attain their goal. However, as Catherine Shoard (from the Guardian) writes (real quote) “Finally, they looked in step and progressive… And then Green Book took best picture.” She details the horrors of a Green Book victory in more detail below.

(real quote) “The presenters were also conspicuously diverse, with 29 of the 52 non-white. In a year that saw landmark victories for black women in technical categories, the Academy was making an obvious but admirable bid to give airtime to people of colour. It worked. Finally, they looked in step and progressive… And then Green Book took best picture… to award a movie whose take on race relations seems more suited to its 60s setting than 2019 was an extraordinary final-reel slap in the face from this hitherto impeccable ceremony. More than that, it undid all the efforts that had come before.”

Like many progressive viewers, Shoard was counting exactly how many people walked onto the stage, separating them by their race. She created a spreadsheet, marking down each individual and categorizing them according to their race to prove the Academy categorizes people based on race.  When she counted up her numbers, she was satisfied. That was until Green Book won for best picture, bringing to the stage way too many white guys, ruining the statistics and destroying the night. But most importantly, destroying progress.

As Jason O. Gilbert writes, (real quote) “Green Book is an inspirational tale of how we can end racism if everyone, regardless of background, just works together. So please welcome the stage the producers of Green Book: 1000 white guys who were all born in 1961″

Many others shared the tolerant and definitely not racist behavior that progressives are widely known for.

(real quote) “I wish folks would stop jumping in Black people’s mentions Whitesplaining how we should feel about Green Book. Y’all are annoying af. Go be productive and instead educate yourselves on Victor Hugo Green and the REAL history of Green Book travel book.” – Rebecca Theodore-Vachon

(real quote) “Soooo, let’s just be absolutely clear: “Green Book” was definitely not the Best Picture of the year, but it was certainly the most comforting movie for fragile white people who need that sort of thing in our Era of Trump.” – Charlotte Clymer

(real quote) “Green Book? More like the White Pages” – Ira

It was an almost for the Academy. They picked the right kind of movie, but the wrong movie. As Academy Director Shmike Shmoon told us “We thought we did it right. We didn’t realize this movie was directed by a white man with the help of other white men. We didn’t even consider it. Next year, we’ll be sure it’s the first thing we look at.”

Tallahassee Man Discovers Birth Mark, Tells Everyone He Has Cancer

Tallahassee native Greg Goob has announced on Facebook that he has cancer after discovering a small mark on his back that has been there forever but he only just noticed. In a cryptic and startling post, Greg simply wrote as his status: “I have cancer.”

We asked Greg for his thoughts on his supposed cancer. “I’ve been waiting for a moment like this. Nobody ever paid much attention to me. Now they have to, because I have cancer. Hopefully it kills me, that way I can be the guy who died. Then they’ll really have to pay attention to me. Everyone will be saying, “Did you hear about Greg? He died. He died of cancer.”

We got in touch with a few of Greg’s Facebook friends to ask them if they had indeed heard about Greg.

Peter Flink was the first to write us back. “Yes, I saw Greg’s status yesterday and am very saddened by the news. I never knew Greg well, we just went to high school together. I don’t remember much about him other than he was pretty decent at tennis, apparently. It’s hard to believe someone you hardly knew existed could wind up having cancer. It’s been hard on me for sure. It’s been hard on my family. We’ve all been suffering right along with Greg. We’re sending him our thoughts and prayers, and we’re confident he’ll fight this.”

To support Greg, you can visit his GoFundMe at IhaveCancerIhaveCancer.gofundme.com.