Hibernating Demon Bursts Out of Texas Pipe, Killing Five

As Texas residents continue to scramble for warmth and water amidst an unprecedented winter storm, a new and perhaps more frightening danger looms over the state. Just minutes before sunrise, the Gomez family of Waco, Texas was awakened to what was described by neighboring residents as “a soul-piercing screech from hell.” “I was just doingContinue reading “Hibernating Demon Bursts Out of Texas Pipe, Killing Five”

Tom Brady Sacrifices Goat After Super Bowl Victory

Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback of all time, was seen sacrificing a billy goat at his Tampa Bay home just hours after his victory over the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl LV. The seven-time super bowl champion, husband of Giselle Bündchen, and father of three has long been in the debate as the G.O.A.T,Continue reading “Tom Brady Sacrifices Goat After Super Bowl Victory”

Elon Musk Tries to Purchase Amazon on Amazon

After recently overtaking Jeff Bezos as the richest man in the world, Elon Musk has wasted no time looking for new ways to expand his global reach. The world-renowned owner of companies such as Tesla and SpaceX, Musk was seen attempting to purchase Bezos’ company through the site itself. Stopping for his usual morning coffeeContinue reading “Elon Musk Tries to Purchase Amazon on Amazon”

Experimental Subjects Escape Lab, Storm Capitol

A scientific study at Capitol State University took an unexpected turn yesterday when thousands of experimental subjects escaped the confines of a campus laboratory. What was supposed to be a ground-breaking study on conscious behavior in unborn fetuses became an immediate threat to national security when the fetuses suddenly developed into adult bodies and escapedContinue reading “Experimental Subjects Escape Lab, Storm Capitol”

8-Year-Old Boy Traded to Neighboring House Minutes Before MLB Trade Deadline

The rumors have been swirling around the Miller’s for weeks. After three months of lackluster societal contribution from the family, many expected the Miller’s to be major sellers at the deadline, but nobody expected this. Last night, the family sent their ten-year-old German Shepard, Rocky, to the Rodriguez household for a two-year-old fish tank in nearContinue reading “8-Year-Old Boy Traded to Neighboring House Minutes Before MLB Trade Deadline”

Donald Trump Mistaken For Bag of Potato Chips

A 47 year old woman by the name of Jessica Jenkins has announced a lawsuit against the President of the United States after she mistook him for a bag of potato chips. The incident occurred on Monday, June 17th just outside of Times Square. “It was all very confusing,” said Jenkins. “It was my firstContinue reading “Donald Trump Mistaken For Bag of Potato Chips”

NBA to Hold Memorial Service for Kevin Durant’s Achilles

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver has announced the NBA will be holding a memorial service on June 19th to mourn the loss of Kevin Durant’s season. The event will take place at the house of Warriors General Manager, Bob Myers, who sought psychiatric assistance after the devastating loss. “I was devastated. I saw Kevin go downContinue reading “NBA to Hold Memorial Service for Kevin Durant’s Achilles”

GameStop Turns Itself in, Gets Seven Dollars in Store Credit

The popular video game retailer, GameStop, has announced they will no longer be under operation. The move comes as a bit of surprise after Jacob from Springfield pre-ordered not one, but two copies of the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 4. New Gamestop CEO George Sherman was kind enough to provide us with moreContinue reading “GameStop Turns Itself in, Gets Seven Dollars in Store Credit”

Florida Teenager Molested by E-Cigarette

The family of Florida teenager Goff Goldbergstein is filing a lawsuit against new e-cig spinoff brand, Juu, after the boy claimed to be molested by a strawberry cartridge. The company, created in hopes of providing the Jewish community with a safer and more affordable smoking experience, declined to comment on the matter. Goldbergstein claims heContinue reading “Florida Teenager Molested by E-Cigarette”

Giant Squid Found in McDonalds Happy Meal

A 35-foot giant squid has been found in the happy meal of an unsuspecting McDonalds customer in Southern California. The five year-old boy, Jameson Joom, asked his mother if they could go to McDonalds after his first day of kindergarten, and she obliged. When the two pulled into the drive-thru, Jessica Joom ordered her sonContinue reading “Giant Squid Found in McDonalds Happy Meal”