United States Wins $500 Trillion in World Lottery

The wait is finally over. After 2,000 years, the World Lottery announced the United States has correctly filled out all five hundred numbers, taking home the grand prize of $500 trillion. This is by far the largest prize in the history of the World Lottery, dramatically outdoing the $750 billion won by Senegal when it filled out 436 of the 500 correct numbers in 1974 and immediately spent it all on a really cool boat.

We asked the United States what it plans to do with the prize money. “Well, as you may know, we’ve got about $22 trillion in debt, so we’ll definitely be paying some of that off. We’re thinking of knocking a thousand dollars off that right away, and I think that’ll provide us with a lot of relief. More exciting, however, is the opportunity to invest in some of the amazing technology that’s out there, particularly some of the military technology. We heard there’s a new prototype for a jet that runs entirely on Dr. Pepper, which would be huge. There’s also a sweet new tank that turns into a submarine on voice command that we’re really excited to mess around with. Ooh and they’ve got these drones now that look exactly like crows. It’s crazy. We’re thinking of buying about ten thousand of those and flying them into North Korea during migration season. Do crows migrate? Who cares, it’s gonna be really cool.”

2 thoughts

  1. Jason, the competition has been expanded. It’s now the Southern Hemisphere Night Sky Lottery. Ships from the Southern Cross have been checking in at gaming terminals beneath Antarctica, buying tickets with US money received for undetectable weaponry. “We got the dollars, we want the hollers,” said an Alpha Centauri representative.
    Btw, loving your poetry book.
    Kevin

    1. Oh no not the Alpha Centauri representative, they’re notoriously brutal!
      Ooh, thanks so much Kevin I’m glad you’re enjoying it! If you have time, can you drop a quick review on Amazon? Those help me out a ton. 🙂

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