Like many Americans, Larissa Fisterson always makes sure to lock the door. Every day, when her husband leaves for work each morning, Mrs. Fisterson begins the locking process by simply turning the key lock, as any reasonable citizen would do. Mrs. Fisterson has taken extra precautions, however, installing a custom series of deadbolts just days after her cousin Erica was slaughtered by a man with a machete waiting in her rose bush.
Each deadbolt is carefully crafted to lock six feet into the drywall, running through the full width of the door and the frame. Mrs. Fisterson declined to comment on exactly how much the Fisterson couple had spent on such a robust locking system, simply telling us “there’s no price on still having your head attached to your body.”
Sadly, even the most careful among us are not immune to an axe murderer waiting outside our door. On August 9th, 2020, Mrs. Fisterson had one too many gin and tonics and forgot to fully twist the lowest 15-foot deadbolt on her front door. Just minutes into the night, a man with a military-grade chainsaw destroyed the bottom three feet of the door, tossed the saw aside, crawled through the opening and sliced her into small bits with a Gerber hatchet.
It’s a simple reminder that the smallest lapse in concentration can be deadly. Unlocked doors are the leading cause of death in the United States, outnumbering cancer, car accidents, drug overdoses, the DMV, and black-market prostate exams, combined.
The National Door Locker’s Association of America (NDLAA) estimates that on average, six men who you’ve never seen before and have no motive other than bashing your skull in are waiting outside your door at any given time, day or night, ready to take your life. For more information on home security, please visit SaveMySkull.gov.
Haha. I think the NDLAA expanded to Europe, because my front door locks itself as soon as I shut it 😉
But honestly though, in every American movie, strangers either knock or just have ability to just walk into the door.
Is it just in movies or is that a real thing ? 😱
Haha that’s actually pretty funny.
Probably mostly a movie thing. Crime always goes so smoothly in movies compared to real life lol.
Oh good, haha.
You’re from the US right?
Yes I am!
Which state?
California.
Oh pff. Too hot for me 🥵
Lol, where are you from?
Mhh, all over Europe.
Born in Bosnia, lived most my life in Holland. Currently in Denmark.
Oh wow! Yeah, California would definitely be too for you then lol.
Indeed. Hopefully Canada one day though.
I’m so tired of learning a new language each time
Oh yeah I bet that gets old quick.
Brilliant. Pissed myself laughing at this. But I am also worried now. We don’t have an NDLAA equivalent in the UK, so I am feeling more vulnerable than ever.
Haha as you should! Without the protection of the NDLAA, you never know what could happen. NOBODY IS SAFE!
I am in tears from ROTFL at this.
Haha yes! So glad to hear it!