Florida Woman Goes Broke Raising Infant Son on Almond Milk

Kelsey Douglass had it all. A loving husband, a three story house, a stable income, and a beautiful young boy on the way. She was happy, full of life, and optimistic about her future. Unfortunately for Kelsey, her upper-class lifestyle was derailed when she insisted her child not be breastfed, but raised on almond milk.

“I just wanted him to be healthy,” said Kelsey. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

Mrs. Douglass isn’t the only one to face the harsh consequences of this striking new trend. Thousands of Americans across the country have lost everything in the pursuit of an organic child. The increase in demand has only made things worse for these mothers, fathers, and children. The price of one gallon of organic almond milk has risen from $6 to $13,000 over the past year.

Many, like Mrs. Douglass, remain hopeful. “I’m getting priced out, I know. I know. But I’ll do whatever it takes to protect my baby from an inorganic lifestyle. If we have to live on the streets, if I have to beg, it doesn’t matter. Billy is gonna get his almond milk.”

Some have even gone to more extreme lengths. Just last month, a woman in Arkansas was murdered in cold blood over a spoonful of almond milk. It was the third almond milk related death in the state this year.

Grocery stores are taking precautions to protect themselves and their customers. Almost all stores have now placed almond milk under lock and key in the razor section. Walmart has the beverage in the gaming section, right behind Grand Theft Auto 6.

On the same note, others are taking advantage of the rise in demand. EA has just announced they’ll be releasing a new game, Grand Theft Almond Milk, in October of 2019. The RPG spectacular will feature a character who must steal enough almond milk to raise their child. The incredibly challenging game will reward the players who go to the greatest lengths to raise a strong, organic child.

Ultimately, the future for organic families isn’t looking too bright. Experts project the price of almond milk to continue rising. Economist Doug Spleeg gave his insight on the issue: “The price of almond milk seems to be growing exponentially, and that trend will likely continue until we have exhausted ourselves of all the almond milk available. People don’t realize how many almonds it takes to produce a gallon of almond milk. I mean, did you even notice there was milk in almonds before? Exactly.”

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