The Cleveland Browns have just announced they’ve come to terms with running back Kareem Hunt, running back Ray Rice, wide receiver Plaxico Burress, quarterback Ryan Leaf, running back OJ Simpson, and quarterback Michael Vick.
The flurry of moves comes after the Browns narrowly missed out on a postseason birth after winning just one game in the previous seven hundred years. “It’s our time,” says GM John Dorsey. “We have to accumulate as much talent as possible. This is a talent driven league. I don’t care if you’re a drug addict, a thief, a woman beater, or a murderer; as long as you can play football, you’ll have a spot on the Cleveland Browns.”
We asked Kareem Hunt for a statement on his newfound opportunity with the Browns. “I just want to say I’m sorry. I want to thank god and I can’t wait to hit people again. Go Browns.”
Plaxico Burress also provided us with a statement. “I want to thank God first of all. I’ve learned a lot about safeties over the last few years, and I’m ready to help the Browns win a championship.”
Fans of the Browns have expressed mixed feelings about the signings. Steve Spoob, a third generation Browns fan and the first one in his family not to kill himself, says of the signings, “I can’t believe this. It finally looked like things were going our way, and then we go out and do this. Unbelievable.”
Kyle Gilf also expressed his displeasure. “This is absurd. I can’t believe an NFL team would sign players who are morally questionable. I really thought this was a league that cared about doing what’s right. I’m just so disappointed. So disappointed.”
Agmoo Loogagoo saw things a little bit differently. “Everyone deserves a second chance. I’m stoked to see what these guys can do on the field. All of the fans who think this is a bad idea don’t know anything about football. We’re gonna be championship, baby!”