Man Commits Suicide on Toilet after Phone Dies

A Florida man has ended his own life after his iPhone ran out of battery during a routine poo in his Tallahassee home. Unable to bear his own thoughts for more than fifteen seconds, the Leon County resident went into immediate panic after the screen went dark.

“I heard him scream from the other side of the house,” his wife Margaret said. “What am I supposed to just FUCKING SIT HERE!? I didn’t think too much of it at first. He has a bit of a short temper, but when I heard a loud thump I knew something more was going on. When I tried to call him from the living room and it went straight to voicemail, I knew what had happened.”

Steve Splink is survived by his wife Margaret and their two dogs, Bonnie and Clyde.

Conscious reflection has taken over three million lives in the past year alone. If you or someone you know ever has to sit with their own thoughts, please… call 911.

Entire Generation Fired for Transphobic Comments

Everyone born before 1971 has been fired from their job for transphobic comments made in the past, after the New New York Times published an exposé released by some guy with nothing better to do.

“This is a day to remember in history,” said the shman, who declined to be identified by name, demanding only to be referred to as “the shman.”

“If you’re not an ally, you’re a bigot. The world needs to know how much hate their neighbors possess. This exposé proves that if you’re trans, everyone hates you. People might worry about the entire global economy collapsing and society falling into a state of chaos and ruin, but that’s not what’s important here. What’s important is that I’m really good at identifying hate.”

Some of the horrific comments include things like a 55 year-old cis white man saying “pleasure to meet you, ma’am,” to an zhintern at Starbux. Despicable.

Several high ranking employees amongst various companies even began meetings with greetings such as “What’s going on guys?” and “How’s everyone doing today?” The fact that someone could refer to a group of shpeople as “guys” is barely comprehendible. The sheer amount of hate you have to have in your heart to say such a thing is truly dumbfounding.

Furthermore, we all know how harmful the phrase “everyone” is. If you take the word and remove all of it’s letters and insert new letters, the phrase becomes “I hate trans people.”

It remains to be seen if people will ever learn their lesson. It’s really sad that every old person on the face of the earth is a horrible human being.

Hibernating Demon Bursts Out of Texas Pipe, Killing Five

As Texas residents continue to scramble for warmth and water amidst an unprecedented winter storm, a new and perhaps more frightening danger looms over the state. Just minutes before sunrise, the Gomez family of Waco, Texas was awakened to what was described by neighboring residents as “a soul-piercing screech from hell.”

“I was just doing some calisthenics in the basement when all of a sudden I felt my soul shake,” said Ryan Gobstein, neighbor to the fallen Gomez family. “I didn’t hear anything at first. I was holding on to the pull-up bar and I felt it rip right through me. I had the sudden urge to call everyone I thought I loved and tell them that they’re nothing more than a useless sack of cells flying at unfathomable speeds through a universe they’ll never understand. It was followed by the undeniable impulse to kick a small child off his bicycle and paper-cut him with Pokémon cards. Then I heard it. The screech. I knew right away that a demon had awoken from a plumbers slumber. There were rumors circling for years about an angry plumber who trapped a demon in the town’s water pipes. Nobody believed it at the time, but look who’s laughing now.”

Mr. Gobstein was lucky enough to make it out with only a couple of bloody ears, but the Gomez family was spared the same fortune. We can only hope their deaths act as a clear warning of the demon’s real and present danger.

Elon Musk Tries to Purchase Amazon on Amazon

After recently overtaking Jeff Bezos as the richest man in the world, Elon Musk has wasted no time looking for new ways to expand his global reach. The world-renowned owner of companies such as Tesla and SpaceX, Musk was seen attempting to purchase Bezos’ company through the site itself.

Stopping for his usual morning coffee at a favorite café in Austin, Texas, local resident Benny Shleem noticed Musk sitting in the corner with his laptop open.

“It was a total shock.” said Shleem. “I never expected to see Elon Musk, the richest man in the world, just sitting right there. I was curious about what he might be working on, of course, so I waited for my coffee while sneakily peering over his shoulder. I noticed he was on Amazon.com, which I thought was interesting. Then I could see him typing the word “Amazon” into the search bar, hitting enter, scrolling, going back, and then doing it again. He must have done this ten times before opening a new tab. Then I watched him Google “Purchase Amazon with Amazon Prime?” and “Does Amazon come with free shipping?” He scrolled through a couple of pages, but I could tell he was getting a bit frustrated. It was kind of cool, because I could totally relate to the way he was feeling. It’s really frustrating when you can’t find what you’re looking for on Amazon. They’re supposed to have everything.”

It has been a hard year for a lot of us, and this harrowing account is a clear demonstration that even the world’s richest man is not immune to daily struggle.

Experimental Subjects Escape Lab, Storm Capitol

A scientific study at Capitol State University took an unexpected turn yesterday when thousands of experimental subjects escaped the confines of a campus laboratory. What was supposed to be a ground-breaking study on conscious behavior in unborn fetuses became an immediate threat to national security when the fetuses suddenly developed into adult bodies and escaped the lab.

The experimental fetuses struggled with adapting to the world, aimlessly wandering around campus for a few minutes before being directed by the President of the United States, who urged them to move towards the Capitol Building. A third-year Economics student, Beatrice Blankenship, described the scene:

“Yeah, I just saw a whole bunch of really weird looking people coming out of one of the science buildings all at the same time. I thought it was just a class getting out at first but then I noticed some of them seemed to be wearing fur. Others had really long beards and they all looked straight at the sun when they got out, like they had never seen it before. Then they started to make grunting sounds, pointing at random objects. A few minutes later the grunts turned into chants of “Trump won! Trump won!” and that’s when it hit me. The fetuses had escaped.”

When they arrived at the Capitol Building, police were befuddled by the scene. An officer who declined to be identified said, on behalf of the men and women sworn to protect the building: “We were very confused. We could tell they resembled adult humans, but we could see there was something a bit off. They weren’t black, so I said okay, at least we know they’re not a threat. We saw several of them holding guns, and that made us feel more comfortable; so we kind of just let them in so they could do their thing for a while.”

The fetuses roamed the building, taking videos, causing violence, and stealing podiums, which it appears they believed to be food. After hours of confusion and chaos, President Trump urged the fetuses to finally go home, but they only seemed confused by the directive.

The final results of the experiment remain to be determined, but it’s clear that fetuses have yet to demonstrate any evidence of conscious behavior.

8-Year-Old Boy Traded to Neighboring House Minutes Before MLB Trade Deadline

The rumors have been swirling around the Miller’s for weeks. After three months of lackluster societal contribution from the family, many expected the Miller’s to be major sellers at the deadline, but nobody expected this. Last night, the family sent their ten-year-old German Shepard, Rocky, to the Rodriguez household for a two-year-old fish tank in near mint condition. The move was to be expected, with Rocky’s strong start to the year and his contract with life nearing an end.

This morning, the Miller family struck a deal with the Lin’s for the mother of the household, Sandra Miller, who maintains multiple years of marital control. Although Mrs. Miller was having a down year, the Lin’s are confident they can turn her into a force to be reckoned with. The Lin family has a tradition of turning burnt-out mothers into prolific all-around contributors late in their careers. After acquiring 46-year-old Kelsey Daniels from the Goldberg’s in a three-family deal two years ago, the Lin family has turned the formerly useless piece of couch adhesive into one of the foremost leaders in the field of genetic engineering. The Miller family will receive a child to be named later from the Lin’s.

The move was, again, not unexpected, as many believed a change of scenery might be best for Mrs. Miller and the Miller family.

As the deadline neared at 4 p.m. Eastern time this afternoon, many in the industry expected the Miller’s to be busy fielding calls for their star contributor, 16-year-old Larissa, who would certainly be shipped for younger, more controllable pieces. Instead, the Millers seem to have nixed their plans for a supposed rebuild in the hopes of making a run at familial honor in the next two years. Jefferson Family Manager Rod Pickert said, of the scenario: “I’m surprised. Very surprised. Everyone expected the Millers to be major sellers this year and start over, but it looks like they’re gonna make one more run at it around Larissa. Everyone knows she’s going to be gone in two years. It’s common knowledge she doesn’t get along with her mother and hates her home town. But who knows, I heard they decided to send Mrs. Miller to the Lin’s, so maybe things turn around for them.”

Much like Mr. Pickert, many in the industry thought Larissa would be the major piece moving away from the Miller’s at the deadline. When it turned out to be eight-year-old brother, Kyle, shock waves were sent through the community. Just minutes before the deadline passed, Ken Daisyballs reported the eight-year-old boy had been traded to the neighboring Robinson’s for 52-year-old Uncle Frank Lancaster, 44-year-old Auntie Barb, and first round positioning in next year’s sperm bank draft.

On the surface, the move seems to make little sense. The Miller family gets older and receives an uncertain first-round sperm selection while sending away their top prospect, a kid who made the ten-year-old’s all-star team at age eight and has shown promising results on his multiplication tables. Nobody knows what the future holds for the Millers, but something needed to change; and boy did something change.

Donald Trump Mistaken For Bag of Potato Chips

A 47 year old woman by the name of Jessica Jenkins has announced a lawsuit against the President of the United States after she mistook him for a bag of potato chips. The incident occurred on Monday, June 17th just outside of Times Square.

“It was all very confusing,” said Jenkins. “It was my first time in New York, and I had just finished exploring Times Square. I had been walking around all morning and I was pretty hungry, but I had to meet a friend in Brooklyn within the hour, so I didn’t have time for a full meal. I saw a big bag of potato chips just sitting there over on 6th avenue and figured that would hold me over. When I tried to open the bag, it started screaming at me and I was immediately descended on by security. They tackled me to the ground, and I sustained a concussion. I thought to myself ‘I’m never eating Lays again.’ When I was released from the hospital, an officer explained to me that what I thought was a bag of Classic Lays was actually the President of the United States. I called my lawyer immediately.”

GameStop Turns Itself in, Gets Seven Dollars in Store Credit

The popular video game retailer, GameStop, has announced they will no longer be under operation. The move comes as a bit of surprise after Jacob from Springfield pre-ordered not one, but two copies of the new Call of Duty Modern Warfare 4. New Gamestop CEO George Sherman was kind enough to provide us with more information on the surprising move.

“Well, we saw an opportunity that was just too good for us to pass up. The company has been deteriorating in value over time, like all of them do. Except for the classics of course. We figured it was best for us to cash in on what remaining value was left in the company instead of letting it crumble into something worthless like NBA 2k9. When we heard about the new NASDAQ exchange program, we were really excited. We figured it would be an easy way for us to get $750 million or so in stock money. Unfortunately, the best they could do was seven dollars in store credit. But, we were already there, so we went ahead and took the deal.”

Florida Teenager Molested by E-Cigarette

The family of Florida teenager Goff Goldbergstein is filing a lawsuit against new e-cig spinoff brand, Juu, after the boy claimed to be molested by a strawberry cartridge. The company, created in hopes of providing the Jewish community with a safer and more affordable smoking experience, declined to comment on the matter.

Goldbergstein claims he was trying to blow progressively larger circles after taking a fat rip from his new Juu when the cartridge popped out and began crawling up his leg. “It was a funny feeling at first,” said Goldbergstein. “It was just kind of a mild tickling sensation, and I didn’t really think anything of it. The cartridge started to move up my leg, and before I realized what was even happening, it was holding my private parts.”

This particular scenario is just one of many harrowing tales of e-cigarettes taking advantage of our nation’s youth. If you or a loved one has been abused by an e-cigarette, you can call 1-800 FUCK OFF to speak with an attorney.

Giant Squid Found in McDonalds Happy Meal

A 35-foot giant squid has been found in the happy meal of an unsuspecting McDonalds customer in Southern California. The five year-old boy, Jameson Joom, asked his mother if they could go to McDonalds after his first day of kindergarten, and she obliged. When the two pulled into the drive-thru, Jessica Joom ordered her son a happy meal and proceeded to the first window, then the second window. When she was given her son’s happy meal, Mrs. Joom noticed it was a little heavy, but didn’t think much of it, handing the bag gently to her son in the back seat. When he opened the bag to grab his fries, she heard a piercing shriek.

“It was terrifying. I’ve never heard him scream so loud. He just started yelling, “MOM MOM THERE’S A GIANT SQUID IN MY FRIES!” I told him not be silly because I needed to focus on the road, but when I was slapped in the face by one of the tentacles, I knew he wasn’t kidding anymore. The front windshield shattered and the squid slithered its way out. We were in shock. I still can’t believe it happened. I had heard of people finding hairs in their fries and fingers in their chicken nuggets, but I never expected this. I’m just glad we’re both okay.”

When asked if she was going to file a lawsuit against McDonalds for the incident, Mrs. Joom was dismissive, saying “sometimes things like this just happen.”